Clarity Through Self-Awareness
My last couple blogs have been focused on ways of knowing ourselves as parents. We looked at how tools like Meyers Briggs or Howard Gardener’s Multiple Intelligences can help us to understand our motives and ways of doing things and to recognize that our children likely have their unique—an equally valuable—ways of doing things. All of this is related to the parenting pillar of clarity. When we are clear about who we are—and really own it with confidence--we are better able to separate ourselves from our kids and let them be who they are (and who they are becoming).
It is hard to both be your child’s guide and at the same time be truly open to who your child is. Kahlil Gebran wrote, “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself…You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.” This is a very respectful approach to parenting. It reminds us not to impose our ego on who we want our child to be but to remain open and curious about what they are thinking and feeling.
Recent research continues to support Gebran’s observations. Scholar Carla Naumburg notes, “Quite simply, the more self-aware we are, the more likely we are to behave in ways that are congruent with who we want to be and how we want to interact with the people in our lives, including our children.” I love that. So many of my clients come to me to offload their guilt or frustration at not reacting to situations with their children the way they wish they had. Naumburg’s research suggests that the way to have more control over our reactions is to dive deeper into ourselves and into what triggers us.
One of the homework assignments I sometimes give parents is to keep a log of their own emotional states to see if they can develop some insight into what is tripping them up. Obviously, we can have less patience for surface reasons—we are tired, hungry, or in a hurry—but even with those external factors, it can be interesting to probe deeper.
Let’s look at a sample log.
We know that people who are more in touch with their emotions, who are more able to identify them, are better able to shift to a more regulated state. Reflecting on your own emotions and motivations using a log like this keeps your awareness of your emotions top of mind makes it more likely that in similar situations you will be able to soothe your amygdala (the emotional center of the brain) so that your pre-frontal cortex can inform you logically.
In the first example, your thinking brain might remind you:
If I am empathetic that it is hard to stop playing, that will help my child shift to cleaning up
It is natural that my child says no, no, no at her age; it does not make me a bad parent
If I am patient and present, there is a better chance of clean up and transition to bed going smoothly and I should still be able to get some downtime.
I wish I had gotten to express my objections when I was little; I’m going to allow space for my daughter to express her feelings, so she feels seen, heard, and understood the way I wish I had been respected as a child.
The better you understand yourself, the better you will be able to manage yourself. That is why the first session of my group coaching classes focuses on values and priorities so that you have more clarity.
The course also covers the three other pillars of parenting—connection, communication, and consistency.
If you would like to strengthen your pillars of parenting, click the button below to get the class details.