Tween Friendships

If you are the parent of a t(w)een, it’s probably no surprise that navigating the ever-shifting social

network of middle school can be daunting for your child. The move up from elementary school

brings many changes, especially with friendships. Understanding why these years are uniquely

challenging and equipping your child with the right skills can make a big difference.

The Unique Challenges of Middle School Friendships

Middle school is a time of intense growth. Your child is forming their identity and can be more

influenced by peers than ever before. Friendships become complex, intense, and sometimes

confusing. Social hierarchies and cliques emerge, along with the overwhelming pressure to fit

in. And short-lived friendships can lead to feelings of uncertainty and instability.

Acknowledge these challenges and provide a supportive environment for your t(w)een.

Remember that this is a phase, and as the adult, you need to keep your eye on the big picture,

don’t add your worry to their worries, and don’t personalize it when your child gets rejected.

Essential Friendship Skills for T(w)eens

Understanding Levels of Friendship: Do help your t(w)een understand the different levels of

friendship. Explain that not all friendships are created equal, and it’s normal to have various

types of friendships, from classmates and teammates to casual friends and close," “true-blue”

friends. This understanding helps them manage their expectations and recognize the roles

others play in their life.

Effective Communication: Teach your child active listening, which involves paying attention

to what their friends say and responding empathetically. Encourage them to use “I” statements

when expressing their feelings so it doesn’t come off sounding accusatory. A simple change in

word choice —”I” instead of “you”— can be a real game-changer for effective communication

and helps their friend not respond on the defensive.

Guide them on how to remain calm during emotionally charged conversations. We’re all wired

differently, and different things trigger different people. Help them learn to recognize their

triggers and how to regulate their feelings when it happens.

Setting Boundaries: Boundaries are essential in any relationship. Teach your t(w)een polite but

firm ways to say no. Telling them to “Just say no” isn’t really helpful. Offering an alternative

suggestion like, “Maybe next time. Right now, I’m going to…” is a non-escalating approach to

maintaining boundaries. Let them know they can use you as the parent as an excuse.

Learning these skills will help your child maintain friendships, lay the foundation for healthy

communication in all their relationships, and help them navigate peer pressure while keeping

their self-respect. Be sure to model these communication and listening skills in your own life,

too.

A Word About Frenemies

“Frenemies” – part friend, part enemy – often emerge in middle school. These particular

relationships can be confusing and hurtful. They may involve a mix of kindness and cruelty,

support and competition. Allow your child’s personality to dictate how directly to take on a

frienemy. Discuss the nature of these relationships and help them understand that true friends

should make them feel supported and uplifted, not undermined or belittled. Practice and role

play setting kind but clear limits. Encourage them to seek consistently positive friendships and

steer clear of those that cause stress or unhappiness.

Remember, these years are as much about learning social skills and having some

independence as they are about academic growth. Keeping the lines of communication open,

being a listening ear, and providing gentle guidance is key as your t(w)een navigates this next

phase of growing up.