Contact Elisabeth

         

123 Street Avenue, City Town, 99999

(123) 555-6789

email@address.com

 

You can set your address, phone number, email and site description in the settings tab.
Link to read me page with more information.

Screenshot 2016-07-28 11.32.27.png

Joyful Musings--a weekly blog

Joyful Parenting Coaching is focused on clarity, consistency, connection, being an effective parent, finding balance as a parent, and above all being a confident and joyous parent. Topics include communication, having difficult conversations, having constructive conversations, chores, routines, family meetings,  I teach parent education and parenting classes because parenting is a skill—not something we are born knowing. Get the parenting skills you need today!

Filtering by Tag: family unity

Reigning the Crazy by Limiting Your Kids' Activities

Elisabeth Stitt

In talking to parents this summer, one of the comments I have heard a lot is some theme or variation on how much better the children’s behavior is during the summer compared to the school year.  In other words, children who have enough downtime and sleep and fewer demands put on them, are more likely to cheerfully and cooperatively engage in family life.  

Children will be happier, healthier and more ready to learn with less hectic schedules and fewer demands put upon them.  READ ON for some ways to create that for your kids.

Read More

Squeezing Both Quality Parenting Time and Quantity Parenting Time Out of Your Week

Elisabeth Stitt

At the end of the day, family is about being together and feeling like a connected unit.  With very little time in the week left over for parenting and family time, it is essential to be deliberate about the choices you make for your family--both by protecting the time you do have together and by making sure that time is quality time.  Here are some tips on how to do that.  

Read More

WHAT DO I DO WHEN MY CHILD....

Elisabeth Stitt

I get lots of questions from parents about their kids--parents who don't know how they got where they are and don't know where to go from here.  The older your child gets, the more out of control you can feel as a parent.  

QUESTION:  My 12 year old got so mad at being told (repeatedly) to go to bed that when he slammed the door, it shattered.  I am at my wits’ end. 

ANSWER: Oh, wow.  That must have been so upsetting for you.
 
Although your instinct might have you wanting to come down hard on him, he needs your love and understanding just as much as a four year old does.  I get that that might be really hard for you.  A broken door is a big deal and having a kid that wound up feels completely out of control.  But here’s the truth:  When you get into a physical power struggle with a teenager, chances are he is going to win—which means you lose, which means everyone loses.  Even if he is not physically bigger than you are right now, he is smart and can think of a lot of ways to get around you or to infuriate you. 
 
Besides, you don’t want to “win” over your child.  You want your child to be happy and expending his energies in positive ways. 
 
The older a child gets, the harder it is for us to be patient and empathetic (He ought to know better, we think).  And yet a twelve year old is still a child—a child with hormones racing around inside until he feels he has to explode to feel normal again.
 
So start with empathy:  “I am so sorry you are feeling so upset.  It is really scary to feel so out of control.  I am guessing that you wouldn’t have reacted so strongly if you felt that your needs were getting met.  When you are feeling calmer, we need to brainstorm some solutions that might make everyone happier.” 
 
When everyone is calm, consider having a family meeting.  Be ready to do a lot—a lot—of listening.  (Click HERE for access to my free ebook on The Family Meeting.) Children who really feel seen and heard calm down enough emotionally to access their prefrontal cortex (where their most creative thinking goes on).  Be prepared to make some compromises.  Remember, your child is not behaving badly to spite you.  He does not want to feel disconnected from you.  If he could get what he needs peacefully, he would.  It is not too late to work on nonviolent communication.  Keep at it, and eventually he will be able to tell you what is so important to him.  In the meanwhile, based on my many years of working with middle school kids, here are some things you might guess he needs:
•more choice
•more independence
•more responsibility outside of school (chores, being trusted with some money, making decisions about things like where/how to hang the Christmas lights) 
•reassurance that you believe in him
•reassurance that you will love him no matter what (even if he breaks the door)
•reassurance that adolescence is a phase; it will get easier and he won’t always feel like this
•recognition that he is a work in progress; you don’t expect him to be perfect
•help reframing his so-called weaknesses into strengths
•understanding that messing up is a chance for learning next time
•lots of praise for what he does well
•appreciation for his contributions outside of his school performance
 
Use family meetings to engage his critical thinking skills.  Present issues as problems that you would like him to help solve.  For example, you might say, “Doctors recommend that 12 year olds get 9 to 11 hours of sleep.  How are you going to arrange your schedule so that you get enough sleep?”  By having him come up with a plan, he is more likely to follow it.  If getting to bed on time is an issue, offer a lot of empathy and press for more ideas: “I can see how tempting it is to read one more chapter of your book, and at the same time, a teenager with two hours less sleep than he needs is functioning at the same level as someone who has had two beers.  I worry that the rest of your day tomorrow is just going to be that much harder and I want you to have lots of energy.  How could we rearrange your day so you have enough time to enjoy reading your book?"
 
Once your child is calm, brainstorm ways for him to calm down before he gets that out of control (deep breathing, stepping outside for a moment, excusing himself to the bathroom for a few minutes). 

It is also time to brainstorm ways to make sure the door gets fixed.  Does he have the money to pay for it?  If not, how can he earn it?  Does he get an allowance?  Can it come out of that?  When things fall apart and so much damage is done, it is going to take a while to make things right.  Through it all, offering your child empathy and your steadfast belief that he has learned from the experience is what will allow him to forgive himself and move on.  

Let's go back to how to avoid having a broken door in the first place.  When kids get that out of control, chances are something has been building up for some time.  I love the family meeting as a structure, because it guarantees that on a weekly basis each family member gets to share three good things.  This keeps everyone focusing on the positive.  If your child is struggling to find three good things, it is a red flag that that child probably has issues that are overwhelming him.  The agenda portion of the family meeting allows each family member to bring up concerns and to brainstorm them together.  In this case, Mom might have backed off in the short run, knowing that she could talk about bed time and listening at the family meeting.  

My FREE ebook, THE FAMILY MEETING: GET 4 POWERFUL STEPS TO HARMONY AND CALM IN YOUR HOUSE, will guide you through how to optimize the meeting not only for logistics, but more importantly as a tool that helps you honor each child as an individual, giving them time and space to feel seen and heard.  


 

 

Be the Architect of Your Family: Build Connection Through Family Projects

Elisabeth Stitt

 

 

When's the last time you sat down as a family and got your fingers sticky together?! 

If your family goes to a regular religious service, you already have a lot of ceremony and ritual built into your life.  These practices not only connect your kids to a greater power, they make them feel more connected to you.  As you sit in physical proximity focused on a common uniting experience, your energies and body rhythms line up and match

 Have a Deliberate Plan for Connection

Families without the external structure of coming together have to be more purposeful about creating these experiences that will nourish your children’s sense of being woven into a part of the bigger whole that is your family. 

Of course, playing a game or cooking a meal together as a family are wonderful ways to bond, but some children need something more concrete or visual.  That’s why I love the idea of putting some time aside as a family to do a project that represents the family.  

Here’s an idea you might try:  Family Placemats

Purpose:  To create a visual depiction of family memories and values; to have each family member contribute equally; to foster a positive view of both individual members and of the family as a whole.

Procedure:

1.    Print out or draw multiple pictures of each family member (pets included!).

2.    Create multiple sentence stems and have each family member fill them out:

Ex:  What I love about our family is _________________________.

        We are the kind of family that __________________________.

      My favorite family memory is when ___________________.

      Our family is special because we ________________________.

3.    Brainstorm other symbols or images that represent your family.  Perhaps you will print out pictures or maps of where your family comes from or what you love to do together. 

4.    Use markers to write the positive qualities of the family members in large print.  Are there people in your family who are thoughtful? Funny? Disciplined? Creative? Hard working? Good problem solvers?  Write those things down.  Don’t attach names to them.  In this case, we are deemphasizing the traits of the individual and instead displaying what are the strengths this family team has together.  

5.    One you have a rich pile of materials, give each family member a placemat size piece of construction paper.  Have each person take one item from the pile and glue it onto the placemat.  Now hand each table mat clockwise to the next person.  Again, each person will choose something from the pile to glue to the placemat.  Once done, rotate again.  Continue this process until each placemat is full and/or the pile of materials has been used up.

6.    Once the glue has thoroughly dried, cover the placemats with clear contact paper or take them to your local copy shop and have them laminated. 

 

Benefit:

  Not only will this project allow for you to focus on what makes you unique as a family, but it will be an oasis of time when you are creating goodwill among you.  Even more importantly, by creating the placemats in the round-robin style, no one person feels ownership over the design of any one placemat.  Each mat will reflect the developmental stages of your children and will be a mixture of more or less sophisticated efforts depending on their ages and personalities. (No perfectionism allowed here!)  Because you have all had a hand in creating each one, when it comes to using them, family members will be delighted to get whichever one they happen to get. 

Think this idea is too corny to do with your older kids?  Think again!  Make some excuse if you need to.  Perhaps one of your children is entering high school—or even moving away to go to college or get a job.  Tell your kids you want to mark this passage and have a way to daily remember the best part of being a family, even as kids grow up and outward.   Teens might not admit to enjoying such a family project, but they will secretly treasure it and carry with them that warm fuzzy feeling of family love and connection. 

One last rule!  Ban electronics from the table while doing this project. The point is to come together as a family—not to each be checking Snapchat or Facebook.  Your kids might grumble, but in the end they will be glad they have done it.  

Happy Gluing!  Looking for other ideas for bring your family together and creating good will?  Let's do a strategy session on that!