Contact Elisabeth

         

123 Street Avenue, City Town, 99999

(123) 555-6789

email@address.com

 

You can set your address, phone number, email and site description in the settings tab.
Link to read me page with more information.

Screenshot 2016-07-28 11.32.27.png

Joyful Musings--a weekly blog

Joyful Parenting Coaching is focused on clarity, consistency, connection, being an effective parent, finding balance as a parent, and above all being a confident and joyous parent. Topics include communication, having difficult conversations, having constructive conversations, chores, routines, family meetings,  I teach parent education and parenting classes because parenting is a skill—not something we are born knowing. Get the parenting skills you need today!

Filtering by Tag: happiness

5 Tips to Raising Happy Children

Elisabeth Stitt

by Elisabeth Stitt

Ask most parents and they'll say, I just want my kid to be happy.  But how are they teaching their child to be happy?  

That's right.  I said teach.  Maybe you think that happiness is something that either happens or it doesn't.  Not so!  Aren't you glad to hear that?  Happiness is something you can develop in your child.  Why?  Because like learning to read or write or draw a picture or throw a ball--or become an effective parent!--much of happiness is built with specific skills. Sure.  Some children are born with naturally sunnier dispositions.  Does that mean you accept the grumpy kid "for who he is"?  Well, no. No more so than you would accept a child who was struggling to read.  In fact, it is with the child who is struggling with whom you sit down and break the task into ever smaller and manageable bits

How do we teach happiness? 

Let's look at some key practices that have come out of current positive psychology research.

1. HAPPINESS BRINGS SUCCESS. 

As parents we need to rethink the idea that success brings happiness.  Current research suggests strongly that the reverse is true:  Happiness brings success.  So lead your child towards happiness practices and let nature take its course.

2. NOTICE THE POSITIVE. 

Is the glass half empty or half full?  Help your child learn to see that the glass is half full by having her focus on the positives in her day.  Model it by showing appreciation for the little things in life.  Here are some positives from my day yesterday:  Someone let me pull into traffic in front of him; the weather was the perfect temperature with a slight breeze; I got in an extra walk in the afternoon. 

3.  AMPLIFY THE POSITIVE. 

Research shows that when we feel something, certain neuro pathways are excited.  The cool part is that when we tell someone about what excited us, the SAME neuro pathways are re-excited.  That's like getting two for one!  So what does that mean?  It means we need to actively share all our little joys.  When I was able to pull into traffic easily because of someone's generosity, I told my friend, "I was afraid that I was going to be late but this really nice guy let me pull into traffic.  I LOVE that!"  Not only have I modeled finding the positive for my friend, I get to feel gushy all over again.  It turns out, my brain doesn't know the difference between the actual event and the relived event!

4.  DEVELOP A WIDE POSITIVE EMOTION VOCABULARY. 

Research suggests that the richer vocabulary we have to draw on, the greater the variety of positive emotions we can feel.  Partly, what you are doing is teaching a child to appreciate a wider scope of emotions as positive.  Stuck with just the word "happy" a child develops a very narrow view of what he can count as happy. Teach him delighted, content, elated, or genial, and he can recognize when he is feeling all those things. 

5.  MODEL GRATITUDE. 

Of all the positive emotions we can feel, the super power of them all is gratitude. In general, a life lived directed towards others is a happier one.  Feeling and expressing gratitude supports our happiness in so many ways.  It reduces stress which improves our health, it causes us to be less materialistic which gives us easier access to a spiritual life, and it improves our relationships by establishing a positive feedback loop. 

The very best part of teaching our children happiness skills?  By modeling the skills, we increase our own happiness!  And if it is not enough for you to be happy, it will comfort you to know that happy people learn better, are more productive and are more resilient in the face of setbacks. 

 

CHORES! The Way to Making Your Kids Successful and Happy

Elisabeth Stitt

by Elisabeth Stitt

Okay, I can't guarantee the happiness promise but a recent article called "Science says parents of successful kids have these 13 things in common" published in Tech Insider does list chores as one factor that might lead to children's success as adults.  They quote author Julie Lythcott-Haims (How to Raise an Adult) as praising chores because it teaches kids that that they "have to do the work of life in order to be part of life."  

Let's look at the benefit of chores a little more deeply (and I will put forth my not-scientifically-proven theory on why it also makes kids happier).  

1.   Doing Chores Raises Self Esteem

Self Esteem is confidence about one's own worth and abilities.  Little kids may not have learned to read and older kids may be struggling with long division or quadratic equations, but most kids can learn to make their beds and sweep the floor.  Are these worthwhile tasks?  Of course they are.  And it is much easier for a child to understand the usefulness of a clean floor than to grasp where algebra is going to work for them in their lives.  Kids who feel capable and competent have higher self esteem.  Chores are one area most kids can develop competency relatively easily.

2.  Doing Chores Makes Kids Feel Needed

When we wait on our kids hand and foot, it gives kids the wrong estimation of their own importance.  Ironically, just like praising kids too profusely, doing everything for kids does not build their sense of being important; rather it leaves kids feeling adrift and disconnected.  What kids want to feel is that the are important because their family needs them.  When the character Dill in To Kill a Mockingbird explains to Scout, the main character, why he runs away from home, Scout asks herself, "what I would do if Atticus [her father] did not feel the necessity of my presence, help and advice” (143).  Scout firmly recognizes her place in her family and knows how essential it is to her to feel needed by them.  Contributing to the well being of the family by doing household chores is a great way for kids to feel they are an integral cog in the wheel of a smooth family life.  

3.  Doing Chores Shares the Work

In previous generations, families had a lot of kids precisely because a large work force was needed just to keep the family farm or business going.  As soon as they could toddle, children were given simple chores to do.  In this way, all the tasks of life got done and families thrived.  Today, although more tasks are mechanized and there are fewer chores to do at home, people are also a lot busier outside of the home.  With parents working and kids going off to a schedule packed full of extracurriculars, there is very little time left to what chores they are.  And yet, "according to a survey by Braun Research in 2014, 82 percent of grown-ups polled said they had regular chores when they were growing up, but only 28 percent reported asking their children to do anyP (July 12 2015).  Wow!  Instead, imagine a home where the work was shared as equally as possible among the family members.  Kids would have a much greater appreciation for what it takes to keep everyone fed and dressed in clean clothes.  Appreciation is linked to happiness!  

4.  Kids Doing Chores Reduces Parental Stress

With only 28% of the kids helping out on a regular basis, parents are coming home after a full day's work and are facing a full evening of chores.  Just thinking about it is exhausting.  Parents complain to me that they have no time to just hang out with their kids.  But is that because their kids are watching t.v. or playing video games while their parents fix dinner?  How about having the kids in the kitchen with you?  One child can grate cheese while another cuts up vegetables.  (While kids' hands and attention are busy is a great time to ask more in depth questions, open ended questions.  Chore time becomes connection time, and human connection is one of the most important factors for happiness.  One last hidden factor in reducing stress is that parents who are not up washing the dishes or folding the laundry after their kids have gone to bed might actually have time to sit down next to each and connect themselves!  Connected parents do a better job supporting their kids and making them feel secure. 

5.  Doing Chores Teaches Kids at Home Skills They Can Use at School

Uh?  How does doing the laundry help with writing a clear, well-supported essay?  Well, doing laundry teaches responsibility, accountability, planning, attention to detail and follow through (Did you ever have a bunch of clothes go moldy because you forget to transfer them to the dryer?).  Aren't those all skills that you need in essay writing?  Of course!  And in all kinds of school related tasks like doing homework on time, turning homework back in, chunking assignments into multiple steps, etc.  Kids who have learned to take on tasks as their own are the same kids who are independent learners.  They are also great team members for group work.  They know that many hands make light work and they stand at the ready to do their share.  They do not expect someone else--much less Mom or Dad--to do their work for them.  

And that's not all!!

So here you have four arguments for chores increasing your kids' happiness and one argument for chores increasing their success in school (not to mention later in life).  And here's one more argument:  Doing chores as children helps teach kids early on about work/life balance.  Life is not just about doing school work, dutifully practicing piano and going to soccer practice.  It is also about creating a salubrious space in which to live and cooking nutritious meals that bring the family together.  Those have long been considered mainstays of a happy home.  Oh, and did I mention that kids who take part in the cooking have more varied, nutritious diets?  And that kids who sharing in the washing and cleaning take better care of their clothes and toys?  Really, the more I think about it, the longer the list gets.

So what's stopping you? Need some advice on HOW to get your kids to do chores?  You might try my friend Elva Anson's very comprehensive book How to Get Kids to Help at Home:  Help Your Children Become Capable, Responsible, and Independent--And Have Fun Doing It!  Or if you want hands on support, you might consider signing up for my 5-week Harmony at Home ONLINE Group Coaching Class that starts August 10th.  

Raising Kind Kids

Elisabeth Stitt

Do you want your children to be kind or to be happy? Teach them Gratitude, and you can have both!

     Of all the life choices you can make to assure your own happiness, developing a regular gratitude practice is one of the most powerful.  Gratitude is also a powerful tool for increasing our kindness. How?  Let me explain.  

THE POWER OF NOTICING THE POSITIVE

     Gratitude is that warm fuzzy feeling that wells up inside of you when you are aware of something really good entering your life--whether through nature, chance or another person's deed.  The first step to developing a gratitude practice is to notice the positive.  Rather than taking things for granted, you want to pause and notice them.  I have to admit that living in California makes this easy:  Almost every day, I am aware of how California's sunny weather sustains me and makes me smile even when I am otherwise in a funk.  I remember when I was going through my divorce, I would go to my therapist and have session-long sobfests.  I would come out of the office feeling completely drained, but her office was right next to the water.  The sight of the sun sparkling off the laguna was so enticing.  How could it not lift my spirits?  In the midst of wanting to curse my soon-to-be-ex-husband, I would be reminded how beautiful the world is and how lucky I am to be alive.

"THREE GOOD THINGS"

     The more you practice it, the more you will see the glass as half full rather than half empty.  Your powers of observation will become more attuned.  When I am focused on keeping gratitude forefront in my mind, I notice all sorts of small things--the fact that someone else put away the clean dishes, the Safeway customer who took the time to have a conversation with the bagger with Down Syndrome, the cheerful dandelion growing up between the crack of the sidewalk.  Studies show that the act of writing down "Three Good Things" helps to solidify their impact in your mind.  Remember, our brains are wired to remember negative things more easily than positive things (Thanks, biology, for doing such a great job of keeping us safe from sabertooth tigers!).  We can retrain our brain, however, by fixing positive events in our mind.  Writing them down is a good way to do this. 

     How does feeling gratitude connect to kindness?  Well, the more you notice the positive, the more you will see other people feeling happy as a result of the kindness of others.  You will observe how the happiness is shared between the giver and the receiver.  You will find yourself reaching out to others positively, as well.  

CREATE A HOUSEHOLD OF GRATITUDE

     The next step to developing a gratitude practice is to amplify your sense of well-being by sharing your positive feelings with others.  Other recent studies suggest that when we tell someone about a positive event, we re-excite the same neuro-pathways that were excited when the event originally happened.  Isn't that cool?  Just by telling someone else about something good that happened we get more of that warm, fuzzy feeling.  This is an excellent time to involve your kids.  Your coming home and telling your kids about the positive things that you experienced today will model for them how to focus on the good.  As you tell your stories of interacting with a wide variety of people--of being thoughtful and helpful--you will model for them how to really see the people around them.  Use family dinners to regularly ask them to share what they are grateful for today.  As they share examples of other people's kindness towards them, connect them to how good that feels and encourage them to spread the feeling.  

     Once your kids have reached out with kindness and generosity to others, ask them to check back in with their own happiness--that good feeling inside.   Keep the circle going:  Notice good things, Record or talk about good things, notice how good things make you feel (warm, connected, content, full up, excited, important, needed, satisfied, calm, effective, proud).  Notice how people doing acts of kindness produce that feeling.  Notice how doing kind things yourself increases that good feeling.  

THE KINDNESS CHALLENGE

     Got it?  Good!  Now here is the Kindness Challenge:  For the next week, I challenge you to actively practice the first two skills:  1.  Notice the positive and write down at least three positive things that happened.  If you like, join me in posting them on the Joyful Parenting Coaching FB page (https://www.facebook.com/joyfulparentingcoaching/); and 2. Amplify your experience by retelling it to your family.  As you tell it, use the warmth of emotion you felt the first time to convey your excitement to your family.  My bet is your kids will jump in with their own good things, once you set the example.  

     For the week leading up to Thanksgiving, I challenge you to perform one random act of kindness a day and to tell your family about it.  Ask your kids if they would like to step up to the challenge.  Don't force them.  Invite them, and then model how rewarding it is by sharing your own pleasure and satisfaction.  

     I'm looking forward to hearing how you connect noticing the positive to expressions of gratitude to being motivated to reach out to others with kindness.  Tell me in the comments below what you are grateful for.  Your comments will remind me to look for good in my world.  Connect to me personally through email at elisabeth@elisabethstitt.com