We get thrown as parents when our kids ask (demand!) something that they know we are going to say no to. Have we ever said yes to a popsicle for breakfast? No! So why would they even think to ask? Read to find out .Read More
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Filtering by Tag: proactive parenting
THAT CHILD IS A BULLY!
Have you ever written off a child in your neighborhood or at your child's school as a bully? It is easy as parents for us to get defensive and judgmental. Bullying sets parents off and strikes a very sensitive chord, but lots of what we fear is bullying is normal interactions among kids—they just need the skills and the example to use it.Read More
In talking to parents this summer, one of the comments I have heard a lot is some theme or variation on how much better the children’s behavior is during the summer compared to the school year. In other words, children who have enough downtime and sleep and fewer demands put on them, are more likely to cheerfully and cooperatively engage in family life.
Children will be happier, healthier and more ready to learn with less hectic schedules and fewer demands put upon them. READ ON for some ways to create that for your kids.Read More
A recent Quora question was how do we teach our children priorities. The answer is simple. Every time you make a choice, you are teaching your child your priorities.
You are in the middle of cooking dinner, and your child demands that you stop what you are doing and come see this marvelous bug that he is looking at.
If you turn off the stove and go look, you are prioritizing curiosity, discovery, enthusiasm and in-the-moment excitement.Read More
"Show me a child who
knows nothing about sexuality,
and you've just introduced me
to my next victim."Read More
Do you remember Christmas as magical? Many people do. But that was not my experience of Christmas as a child. Indeed, even as an adult, it took many years to experience awe and beauty in Christmas. Now I love the magic of Christmas, but I’m sure you’ll agree, it can be hard to find and sustain the magic under all the stress. Growing up I spent the month of December waiting for my mom to blow up. She so wanted—really wanted—to create magical Christmases for us—and there certainly were moments of warmth and togetherness. But mostly, we never knew when the gulf between the scene she imagined in her head and the reality of creating (and getting my father on board for) that scene would have her resembling a Halloween witch rather than a Christmas angel.
Of course, kids can be stressed during the holidays as their routines get upset and they are vulnerable to being over stimulated, but my experience is that their stress depends largely on how stressed their parents are. In talking with parents, I have found there are two big areas that bring up a lot of adult tension during the season.
Tip #1: OVERSPENDING
In most partnerships there are two different approaches to spending money. They say that opposites attract, and while I don’t think that is always true, I do think there is something to the notion that part of our attraction to our partners is for something they have or can do easily that we wish we had or could do easily. My husband is a spender. I am a saver. A lifetime of saving has left me wondering if I’m missing something—a little fun maybe? a little spontaneity? a little luxury? Living with my husband has been a lesson in learning to spend more and enjoy it! I am more willing, for example, to invest in something pretty even if it will only get used at Christmas time. I delight more in buying special holiday foods. That being said, I do not think “But it’s Christmas!” is an invitation to spend without thinking.
With luck, you and your spouse are learning and growing from each other when it comes to spending. But if anything is going to bring up money conflicts, I have found the holiday season to be it. So, my recommendation is to have the conversations early and often. The saver in the family will want to argue down every little dime. See if you can adopt an attitude of not worrying about every 3rd or 4th thing and just buying it. The spender in the family will spend without thinking and will come home sheepishly with packages. See if you can actively resist buying the third or fourth thing. If you are a saver, it might help to remember Christmas does come but once a year. If you are a spender, it might reassure you to remember the Youtube video that came out that showed the kids willing to give up ALL their Christmas presents if it meant that their parents got something they wanted or needed. More is not more, and sometimes less is more. Meeting each other in the middle is what will allow both of you to move through the holiday season with a minimum of stress.
Tip #2: DEALING WITH EXTENDED FAMILY
The first stress extended family brings up is who is going to have Christmas where. Will you switch off between husband’s family and wife’s family every year? What about with divorced families? And what happens as the children grow and begin to have serious romantic relationships of their own? No matter how you draw the lines, it seems like someone is disappointed. Kids overhear our conversations about the logistics and feel disloyal if they want something else. I have no good solutions for these challenges other than to acknowledge that it is stressful and with a deep, deep breath try to let go of the emotion attached to it. The other step I take for my own self is to have a small ritual that counts as the core of Christmas to me. That way, no matter who comes to our house or whose house we celebrate at, my daughter and I have sung Silent Night by the lights of the Christmas tree. I feel like as long as we have that, we can flex with the rest.
Family is also often a double edge sword. On the one hand we long to be all together. On the other hand not everyone gets along equally. Here are some of the more mild complaints I’ve heard recently:
• I like my mother-in-law but she makes me feel like a complete dud in the kitchen, and when I bring something store-bought rather than risk my poor skills, she looks at me like I don’t care enough to make homemade.
•My father-in-law is a nice enough man. Until he’s had a little too much egg nog.
•Jack’s sister is great fun, but she has no control at all over her kids and it makes every meal a circus.
The fact that Christmas comes once a year makes the little time we have together feel more precious, so it has to be perfect. That makes us less tolerant than we might otherwise be.
And what is it about stepping back into our childhood homes that makes us feel—and act!—like children again? I am a mature, generally very secure woman. But when the whole family is together I fall into the pattern of waiting for people to tell me where to sit, how to help and generally what to do. No matter how pulled together I feel in front of the mirror in the morning, I wait for my sister’s glance that says I am a disappointment. Over the years, I have learned what triggers me and am able to sidestep the trigger with more grace. I recognize that most of what is going on is just in my head, and I just have to let it go.
Acknowledging to your kids what happens when adult children go home can help prepare them for your unexpected responses and moods.
Of course there other reasons we get stressed during the holidays. Quite simply—however lovely events might be—the late nights and break from routines will stress us. If you can deal with the two biggies—money and family—you will be in better shape to adjust to the late nights and extra socializing.
What do sibling rivalry and scarcity have in common?
Much of sibling rivalry really stems from the fear that there is not enough to go around. In the law of survival it makes perfect sense that a child would do her best to push her sibling aside so that she is sure to get what she needs. Parents can counter that innate fear by making sure that each child gets enough attention and her share of resources.
What it really comes down to, though, is teaching a philosophy of sufficiency rather than the tension of scarcity vs. abundance. If a person sees the world as black and white—as I am one of the haves or one of the have nots—there is always the fear of loss on the one hand and the need to grab on the other. This produces an internal anxiety which not only sets up a rivalry among siblings but carries insecure attitudes towards money and other resources into adulthood.
Teach your kids: Once the bucket is full, you don’t need one more drop of water—or love
When kids learn that what they have is sufficient—whether that is clothes or food or parental attention, they let go of worry. Knowing that everyone will get what he needs means that kids don’t have to get equal resources in order to feel secure. Think of it as a bucket. A full bucket of water is sufficient; there is no need for one extra drop of water. A full bucket of water is enough, so you don’t really need one more drop, and it will probably go to waste. It may even be unpleasant. Consider how it feels to keep drinking water when you are no longer thirsty. You feel bloated and tight and perhaps like you want to throw up. Even very little kids can see that if you keep adding water to the bucket, all it does is flow over. This begins to give them the sense that there can be too much of something--even a good thing.
Another activity you can use to teach the concept of sufficiency is lighting one candle with the flame of another. Tell your child that there is always love to go around. Show how when you use the flame of one candle to light another candle, the first candle has just as much flame as it had before and can be used to light a third candle. And even a fourth and fifth. Some families “pass the love” by lighting a candle for each family member at dinner every night. What a beautiful way to concretely remind a child that there is sufficient love for every one.
Help your kids understand that fair does not mean equal
Developmentally kids go through a stage where they are very concerned with fairness. They tend to believe that fair is the same as equal. They think if Brother has 3 trucks, I must have 3 trucks, too. One way to explore this concept with your kids is to observe your kids at play. Note how many of something do they use. I recently babysat a three-year-old who had his six fire trucks lined up ready to play with. Once he started playing with one, I kept waiting for him to go back for more trucks with the idea that he was putting out a really big fire. He did put out a big fire. But one truck was all he could deal with at a time. Watching him, it became clear to me that 6 firetrucks were certainly sufficient—likely even more than enough. Would he have gotten more pleasure out of an 8th or 9th or 10th firetruck? No! Even if he had a sibling to compete with, there would have been no need for more fire trucks to have a good time. And yet had he a sibling, I imagine that if he is living in the mode of scarcity, he would believe his brother having more took something away from him. If all he needs is one truck to have fun, it is ridiculous to think that his brother having more robs him of his chance for happiness.
Siblings who are reassured that there are sufficient toys—or treats or turns or hugs or whatever precious commodity of the moment—and that they are going to get what they need they learn not to confuse wanting and needing. They let go of having to hoard what they have. Just keep reminding kids (and modeling through your own words and deeds) that they have enough and that they should focus on fully enjoying and appreciating what they do have.
Finally, families that have clear gratitude practices see less sibling rivalry. That is especially true when it comes to love—there is more than enough to go around and as siblings they are especially fortunate because unlike some kids, they have parental love and sibling love! When kids feel and express their gratitude for what they have in the world, they step into the idea of sufficiency.
Teaching your kids the idea of sufficiency does not mean they won't fight.
At different ages and stages, you will need to take extra steps to make each child feel secure. For example, making sure your second child feels fully included in the activities of the new baby being introduced to the household is key. And you will still need to teach both children how to communicate peacefully and how to resolve conflict constructively. It is just human nature that as individuals with different needs and sensitivities rub up against each other, there will be conflict. It takes lots of support to teach kids the empathy and emotional awareness needed to be great friends as well as siblings.
Is Sibling Rivalry Making Your Household Miserable?
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