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Joyful Musings--a weekly blog

Joyful Parenting Coaching is focused on clarity, consistency, connection, being an effective parent, finding balance as a parent, and above all being a confident and joyous parent. Topics include communication, having difficult conversations, having constructive conversations, chores, routines, family meetings,  I teach parent education and parenting classes because parenting is a skill—not something we are born knowing. Get the parenting skills you need today!

Filtering by Tag: sex

The Birds and the Bees, Part II

Elisabeth Stitt

I have been asked to weigh in on what sex education looks like in older years. 

I will start by saying that when teaching middle school, long before my own children got to be that age, my standard message was that there isn't anything you might think to do in middle school that couldn't wait until high school.  I was a staunch supporter of the dress code, and when 12-year-olds told me about their Facebook pages, I reminded them that legally you had to be 13 to sign up. 

Of course I knew that there was sexual activity among my students (looking at the broader definition of what constitutes sexual activity), but I wanted to be at least one voice in their life that was saying, “Stay a child!  You have lots of time to grow up.”  As an English teacher, I was not responsible for the cold, hard facts.  Instead, I used literature to have students examine characters’ lives—their decisions, their mistakes, their values.  

As a mother, I was obviously responsible for making sure my daughter was well informed (I was let off the hook with my stepsons).  One of the messages I really wanted her to get was the fact that what you could see on the internet, on television or in the movies was not indicative of everyone’s sexual behavior.  Also, I pointed out that what she heard about what other kids were doing may or may not be true and, most importantly, she did not have to model her choices on them.  I told her that not even all our adult family friends had the same values when it came to sexuality.  

The next message was hard for me.  It meant I had to put aside all my fear of the “what ifs.”  It meant I had to trust that I had raised an informed, thoughtful, responsible young person.  The next message was that sexuality is not easy:  It is not cut and dried.  Not only would it have been useless to day, “Don’t even look at a boy!”, I wouldn’t have wanted that.  I can think of nothing scarier than sending a girl child off to college who has had no practice negotiating romantic/sexual relationships.  My biggest concern was/is that as my daughter developed her sexuality that she could look back on her choices--even if they brought some pain--and know that she had really listened to her inner self--body, mind and spirit--to make her decisions. I was such a "late bloomer," as she puts it, that I had very little in the way of concrete advice about what was okay to do when. I just kept reminding her that once you've done something--held hands, kissed, petted, etc.--you can't undo having experienced that and that all I wanted for her at the end of the day was that she had no regrets.   

The final tool in my tool belt was to bring up the topic of relationships and sexuality a lot.  We talked about news items and magazine articles, research I found, stories I heard from fellow teachers or other parents.  All along, I wanted to know what she was thinking, how she was seeing the world, what her concerns were.  Lots of times I was uncomfortable with the conversations.  I had them anyway.

 

The Birds and the Bees

Elisabeth Stitt

As I listen to the chatter among moms, a concern that often comes up is when and how to deal with “The Talk.”  This concerns me because it suggests that these parents believe that there will be one talk about sex and sexuality and not that it will be an ongoing discussion over many years.  Just as with talking about drugs and alcohol, it will be much easier to feel your way bit by bit rather than saving up everything for one lecture. 

Actually, when it comes right down to it, I don’t even think of sex as the main topic.  I divide “sex” into two categories, plumbing and relationships. 

Plumbing

Plumbing is pretty straight forward.  Label body parts (I prefer textbook terms—elbow, penis, vagina, breast, shoulder, etc) as your child is learning them.  Kids usually learn the difference between male parts and female parts between three and four.   They’ll be obsessed with the terms for a while and then, when they have integrated them into their understanding, they’ll stop talking about them.  Depending on the babies/new siblings/etc. around them, they’ll ask where babies come from.  Again, I prefer textbook explanations:  Babies come from sperms cells and egg cells.  The man has the sperm, and the woman has the egg.  When they come together, those cells grow into a baby.  Inevitably, the child will ask how the sperm and the egg get together.  Unless your child was conceived in some other way, I would stick to saying the man puts his penis into the woman’s vagina and delivers the sperm to the egg in the womb, which is where the baby grows.  Now, if you are lucky, your child won’t ask, as mine did, Mommy, did you like it when Daddy put his penis into your vagina?  (Fortunately, my succinct answer of yes, I did sufficed.)

Knowing Your Limits and Recognizing Others’

One’s own body in relationship to others is the next lesson, and teaching it starts from the very youngest interactions.  Every time a mother removes the baby from her breast because she has been bitten, she is teaching the baby to be gentle with another person’s body.  Likewise, when a father stops a child from hitting him during a tantrum and tells the child to use her words, he is teaching the child respect for another person’s body.  These lessons continue when we help children see that their sibling has reached a limit for rough housing or just needs some space on the couch.  The lessons should include a conversation about privacy and good touch and bad touch.  At the same time a child learns to be sensitive to other people’s limits, he should learn to advocate calmly and clearly for his own limits—whether that is not wanting to kiss a grandparent good-bye or not wanting his hair played with. 

Friendships First

Just as important is learning to articulate and be at ease with emotional limits.  Very often one friend will need another friend more than she is needed in return.  Let’s say that Sally and Lucy are friends, but the relationship is uneven.  For Sally, Lucy is her only friend.  For Lucy, Sally is one of many friends.  Sally is going to need to learn to share Lucy and to reach out and find other friends to do things with, and Lucy is going to need reassurance that that is oaky:  She can be Sally’s friend without being her everything.  Lucy is going to need to learn to say clearly, but firmly, I’m going to play with Jane today but I hope you’ll play with me another day.  Being able to negotiate these early relationships with kindness but clarity about how one wants to be treated is the first step to being able to negotiate a solid romantic relationship.  As girls tend to mature faster, boys often come under a lot of pressure to be in a relationship.  If they are not comfortable with that, they need to be able to say, you are a nice person but I just want to be friends.  Parents can provide support by roleplaying these kinds of conversations.  The aim is to develop empathy for the other person’s feelings without feeling that you have to be the one to provide that person’s physical or emotional need.  Harder, of course, is learning to accept that you are responsible for handling your own feelings if they are not returned in the way you long for. 

Steppingstones

If all these lessons are firmly in place in elementary school, they become the steppingstones for conversations about how to approach budding romantic interests in middle school.  From there, it is much easier to show how at their base romantic relationships are like friendships:  They require the same respect, sensitivity and give and take.  They are multifaceted, not just physical.  If you are well into the habit of talking about your children’s friendships, it shouldn't be too hard to include a conversation about how much it is okay to text someone you like or when it is appropriate to hold hands. 

As a parent, recognize that relationships are not all or nothing.  There is a progression.  You cannot control when your child has his first or her first crush, but if you have been a sounding board for your child’s friendship questions, you will be the first to hear about this new interest, as well.