Parenting a teen is a new game! The main goal of parenting a teen is to raise an adult. That means your main parenting task between roughly 12 and 18 is to make the shift from being the captain of the ship to being the wise guide. After all, it is simply not possible to drive down the street for you child and to claim that your child is learning to drive. Before he or she can get a license, your child has to get behind the wheel and drive down the street without you in the car. Keep these three metaphors in mind in helping you be the parent of a teen.Read More
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Filtering by Tag: teenager
The first question to ask yourself, when considering how to keep your teen from rebelling, is what am I doing to help foster my kid’s independence and sense of autonomy?Read More
When I tell people I spent twelve years teaching twelve-year-olds, most people make a face and offer me sympathy. But I miss them. Twelve-year-olds are awesome. If you can take their awkwardness in stride, they are that perfect blend of child and grown up. On the one hand they are becoming great abstract thinkers and are ready to take on the world. On the other hand they still have a childlike appreciation for silly.
What I love most about twelve-year-olds, however, is that while they might not talk to their parents, they are very interested in talking to other adults. No, they won't admit it, but really they are busy trying to figure out the adult world, gathering information in every interaction they have. That is why I believe that as a caring adult in a young person's life, you can have a greater influence on twelve-year-olds than any other age group.
Mrs. Alexander, the librarian at my middle school, was my savior. Talking to her was the one place I felt safe and known at school. For my daughter it was the band teacher who became her friend and inspiration. One of my clients was reminiscing about her neighbors down the street who made her feel welcome and special every time she walked through the door in a way that her parents never did.
Imagine the impact you can have on a young person. True, it takes time to make the connection strong enough to support a high-quality relationship, but any adult can lay the groundwork for teens trusting and looking to adults. Teens are everywhere. What you can do is notice them, reach out to them, show them you value them.
Sometimes the way you will connect will be unexpected. I recently saw three boys playing outside around the grocery store. It was Friday afternoon and they were emitting that school-is-out-for-the-week euphoria that we still remember as adults. I smiled at them as I went into shop, admiring their attempts to flick their skateboards. Later, I was hanging out at the front of the store waiting for my mother-in-law. The boys were in the store, and I had a strong suspicion from their body language that they had shoplifted the candy they were walking out with, but I wasn't sure enough to get the store management.
As I was driving out of the shopping center parking lot, I saw the boys had moved around the corner outside the drug store. So I stopped the car and opened the window. I told them everything I has seen and what I suspected. I looked at them and said, "Obviously I can't prove it, but if it is true, I want you to know that I understand you didn't do it because you are bad boys. But you are only thinking of yourselves, your own pleasure and your own power, and I expect more of you. I expect you to find ways to have fun and enjoy Friday afternoon that are not illegal and that don't hurt anyone else." They didn't deny my accusation but hung their heads and listened. When I was done and asked, okay? They nodded their heads and mumbled okay back.
What do I hope that they got from this interaction? Certainly they know that people are keeping an eye on them, but I hope they also could feel that I approved of them. I didn't approve of their behavior if indeed they were shop lifting, but I approved of them. And I trust in the adults they are going to become. Growing up is a process, and even adults are not always at their best. Our young people need our smiles, our positive comments, our questions, our curiosity. So, the next time you are standing at the crossing light with a teen or are served your coffee or have your grocery bag filled by some adolescent, look past the acne, the bad hair day, the piercings, the perpetual sneer and reach out to them. Make it a mission to be the caring adult in your community.
I'd love to hear who the caring adults were in your community. Was it a relative? A neighbor? A Coach? A teacher? Maybe it was the crossing guard or the bus driver. Take a moment to honor that person by telling us about him or her by leaving a comment below or by emailing me at email@example.com.
I have been asked to weigh in on what sex education looks like in older years.
I will start by saying that when teaching middle school, long before my own children got to be that age, my standard message was that there isn't anything you might think to do in middle school that couldn't wait until high school. I was a staunch supporter of the dress code, and when 12-year-olds told me about their Facebook pages, I reminded them that legally you had to be 13 to sign up.
Of course I knew that there was sexual activity among my students (looking at the broader definition of what constitutes sexual activity), but I wanted to be at least one voice in their life that was saying, “Stay a child! You have lots of time to grow up.” As an English teacher, I was not responsible for the cold, hard facts. Instead, I used literature to have students examine characters’ lives—their decisions, their mistakes, their values.
As a mother, I was obviously responsible for making sure my daughter was well informed (I was let off the hook with my stepsons). One of the messages I really wanted her to get was the fact that what you could see on the internet, on television or in the movies was not indicative of everyone’s sexual behavior. Also, I pointed out that what she heard about what other kids were doing may or may not be true and, most importantly, she did not have to model her choices on them. I told her that not even all our adult family friends had the same values when it came to sexuality.
The next message was hard for me. It meant I had to put aside all my fear of the “what ifs.” It meant I had to trust that I had raised an informed, thoughtful, responsible young person. The next message was that sexuality is not easy: It is not cut and dried. Not only would it have been useless to day, “Don’t even look at a boy!”, I wouldn’t have wanted that. I can think of nothing scarier than sending a girl child off to college who has had no practice negotiating romantic/sexual relationships. My biggest concern was/is that as my daughter developed her sexuality that she could look back on her choices--even if they brought some pain--and know that she had really listened to her inner self--body, mind and spirit--to make her decisions. I was such a "late bloomer," as she puts it, that I had very little in the way of concrete advice about what was okay to do when. I just kept reminding her that once you've done something--held hands, kissed, petted, etc.--you can't undo having experienced that and that all I wanted for her at the end of the day was that she had no regrets.
The final tool in my tool belt was to bring up the topic of relationships and sexuality a lot. We talked about news items and magazine articles, research I found, stories I heard from fellow teachers or other parents. All along, I wanted to know what she was thinking, how she was seeing the world, what her concerns were. Lots of times I was uncomfortable with the conversations. I had them anyway.