Every once in a while I publish a guest post—either because the person’s expertise in a given area is much more sophisticated than mine or because they offer a perspective I cannot. In this blog, dad Tyler Jacobson shares how he handled it when his 13 year old daughter broke some big family rules. I especially love the understanding he shows his daughter as well as the problem solving, all while keeping her accountable for her poor choices.Read More
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Joyful Parenting Coaching is focused on clarity, consistency, connection, being an effective parent, finding balance as a parent, and above all being a confident and joyous parent. Topics include communication, having difficult conversations, having constructive conversations, chores, routines, family meetings, I teach parent education and parenting classes because parenting is a skill—not something we are born knowing. Get the parenting skills you need today!
Filtering by Tag: trust
“I adore my husband, but I hate parenting with him. I feel like I can handle the kids alone, but he comes in and mixes it all up." Seriously, when parents contact me, conflict with one's spouse about how he or she parents is always some part of what is keeping their household from being as fully calm and harmonious as they want it to be. That means that one of my biggest roles as a parenting coach is to help parents get on the same page. Here are the 4 steps I teach to becoming a united parenting team.Read More
Sure, it is your job to protect your children? But are you being too over protective? And if you are, what is the cost of that to both your younger kids and to teens? And what can you do about being overprotective?Read More
With New Year’s here, I imagine that you are setting resolutions around your parenting. Among your resolutions, perhaps you have a goal of being more consistent. Great. I’d like to help with that. However, becoming a consistent parent is almost impossible if you leave to will power alone. It is much easier if you build for success step by step. I have a plan for doing exactly that.Read More
Lots of kids lie, and often lying is particularly upsetting to parents. I think that one reason lying affects parents so strongly is because we want to keep our children safe. As long as we think we know what is going on in our kids’ heads and what they are actually experiencing, we figure we can take action to protect them. When our kids lie to us, however, we find out that perhaps our kids have been exposed to dangerous or negative situations out of our control.
WHY LYING UPSETS PARENTS
Let’s say for example, that you find out your nine year old has ridden her bike outside the agreed upon streets. She has been lying to you by omission, and then one day you find out that she has crossed some major streets with a lot of traffic. A big part of why you are upset by her lie is your fear about what might have happened to her—the accident she might have had, or whom she might have encountered so far outside your sphere of influence. Plus, in the face of one lie, you begin to doubt what you can trust about other parts of her life: Is she telling you what is going on at school? What happens when she plays at her friend’s house?
WHY PEOPLE LIE
People lie to get some kind of emotional need met. We all have needs for a sense of security, autonomy, attention, status, acceptance, excitement, intimacy and love, connection to others, self-esteem, and so forth. We lie, then, either when we think telling the truth will get in the way of having one of those needs met or when telling the lie will get the need met.
In the example above, for example, the nine year old is more than old enough to know that she is lying. Perhaps she has lied because of her need for autonomy. She feels she is old enough to handle crossing a busy street and she wants to test it out. Perhaps she has lied to gain status, and another child has dared her to cross the forbidden street or she has bragged that she is allowed to do so and now must show that she can.
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO ABOUT LYING
The question remains what should a parent do in the face of a child lying? Certainly it is reasonable to have a consequence for breaking a family rule (and ideally that consequence has been worked out the same time the bike riding boundaries were set up). But in order for a parent to feel secure her child won’t lie again, it is important that she take the time to figure out what emotional need was the child trying to meet by engaging in the behavior which required the lie (including the lie of omission). Only then can parent and child work out more acceptable ways of getting the need met.
WHAT ROLE PARENTS PLAY IN THEIR CHILDREN'S LYING
Clinical Psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary says, "There is only one reason a child lies to its parents: the conditions for it to feel safe have not been created.” You may well bristle at the idea that you have caused your child to lie, but having dealt with kids’ lying at school over the years, it feels possible to me. When I talked with kids about why they lie, these are some of the answers I have heard over the years:
•My parents will over react and won’t listen to me.
•My parents just won’t understand.
•If my parents found out I did that, they’d judge me.
•All my mom cares about is X; she doesn’t understand that X isn’t that important to me. (Or that Y is more important).
•All my dad cares about is how it will look to other people.
He doesn’t actually care about what happens to me.
I have certainly seen parents over react, and with some parents I do feel that the parent cares more about his own reputation than about what his child is thinking and feeling. But in most cases, lying occurs in households where communication has broken down. Because kids have not felt seen, heard and valued, kids have stopped sharing. They don’t want the hassle of arguing with their parents because they feel they don’t get anywhere with it, and at the same time they still have powerful unmet needs. The drive to get their needs met—even if it means accepting negative consequences—makes lying worth it to them.
The next question, then, is how do you keep the lines of communication open. I think first and foremost, you own up to your own foibles as a parent—own that sometimes you do over react. Own that you get triggered—by safety concerns, by fears for the future, by wanting to seem like a perfect parent. Own that you grew up in a different generation and/or a different culture and that what seems okay to your kids feels really wrong to you. Own your own hang ups. Maybe your parents didn’t let you drive into the city on your own, so now your automatic response when your child asks permission is to say No Way without even giving it any real thought.
IDENTIFYING THE NEEDS BEHIND THE LIES
Next, even if you do end up saying no to your kids (and I fully support your right to do that), really take the time to listen to what they want. Be curious about why they want it (what need would get met if they got to do whatever it is they want to do). Then, work to see if the underlying need can be met in some other way. Maybe you can find a compromise. Let’s say, for example, that you catch your son stealing money to buy junk food at school. He knows you have a strong value about healthy nutritional choices, so he sneaks behind your back. The first question is what is the need—sweet food? Or is it to have the cool packaging of snacks from the vending machine? Or does he like having the whole vending machine array to choose from without having to agree with his siblings? Each of these is a very different need and requires a different approach. That’s why it is so critical to putting your own concerns aside so you can first be open and curious.
BRAINSTORMING ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO MEET NEEDS
Once you know what the unmet need is, you can work on that. Brainstorm ideas. What sweet foods would be acceptable? Is the need to be cool about the need to fit in, and if so, why is that so important? How else could a person find a group he feels included in? How could the family provide more opportunities for the son to have some things just as he wants them without having to consider the rest of the family?
Even the act of brainstorming and trying to find a solution acknowledges your child as an individual with his own needs, preferences and desires. In a particular case, you might not find a way to compromise. If you have found workable solutions other times, however, your child will be able to accept when no compromise is possible. He will know that you care about his feelings and are not shaming him for having those feelings.
In summary, I would let a consequence for the poor choice stand, but I would go deeper to find out the underlying motivation for the poor choice.
STAYING CONNECTED EVEN THROUGH CONFLICT
Lying is complex. We lie for so many reasons, and I have really only addressed a few of them here. No matter what the reason, though, I urge you to approach your child as a work in progress and use the lying incident as an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. Finally, assure your child that as he matures, he will find it easier to find ways of getting his needs met that do not make him feel that it is necessary to lie.
Happy Mother's Day
BLESSINGS TO ALL YOU MOTHERS, whether you are married, divorced, single, step, guardians, borrowed, you name it. Cherish the job you do. In my opinion there is no job more important.
Waking up and feeling a little blue that my daughter is away at college for Mother's Day, I searched my files for a reflection my therapist had me write the first Mother's Day that she was with her father and stepmother. It was an exercise of self love and gratitude that all of us might need need to return to from time to time.
Who Am I at My Best as a Mom and How Do I Get That Way?
It is all too easy to dwell in my mind on who I am at my worst as a parent. Tired and stressed, snapping at people, strung tighter than a drum, only having time for the agenda in my head and not for the people around me. Increasingly convinced that no one else gets it, that no one else understands the number of balls I have in air or the demands on my time, I become a raging inferno. At best I ignore my children and am unresponsive. At my witchiest I yell and give commands with the clear tone of "Any idiot could see that I need your help right now and what kind of brat are you for not giving it to me." Not a pretty picture. But you get it, right? You've been there, haven't you?
But you know what? Honestly, when I am at my best, I am pretty damn good! I keep my eye on the long view. I know that happy, harmonious relationships today are more important than picking up the dry cleaning or washing the dishes. I listen attentively without leaping to advice giving. I really see and know and cherish my children at each of their stages.
At my best I hold my children as the wise beings they are. Yes, they are works in progress (aren't we all?) and will make a lot of mistakes on the way. But that's okay, because at my best I trust that they will learn through their mistakes and failures and that it is not my job to rescue them. I trust that wherever possible by letting them feel the natural consequences of their actions, they will use that experience and apply it next time.
At my best I recognize that children all learn at their own pace and in their own way. I don't worry they are not enough. I trust that they will find their way eventually: I can help them on their journey, but I cannot take the journey for them. Also, I cannot live my life through them. It is their job to find their interests and passions. If I stay out of the way and don't push things down their throats, the natural curiosity that all children are born with will mature into their being lifelong learners who pursue knowledge for knowledge sake--not just to make their parents or teachers happy.
At my best I really enjoy my children. I love playing with them and being silly. I love hearing them talk and joke. I love the warm, physical closeness of snuggles and hugs. I love watching them discover the world and gain mastery over new skills. I love how when given the chance they become effective problem solvers. I love listening to their values and worldview unfold through our many conversations.
At my best, I really am good.
So what does it take to be my best? Well, first and foremost, I have to take care of myself. That means enough sleep and exercise and good food; that means learning to say no to say people no matter the pressure; and that means not getting too hung up on doing everything right. It also means having time just for me--to read, to do nothing. I have to have time with my girlfriends to offload steam and complain and be reassured that it will be okay. Equally important is time alone with my spouse. When things get busy, we talk nothing but logistics. If I don't get one-on-one time with him, it is like I lose my mooring, my anchor. It is our time together that reminds me of my purpose, of who we are as a couple, of what we are building. It is that which makes me recommit to the vision of a strong, united family (no matter how far away that might feel). But most importantly, what really helps me be my best parent is allowing myself to soak up the love and to count my blessings, to be filled with gratitude that I am lucky enough to be my child's mom. For better or worse, at the end of the day, no matter what, I am hers and she is mine.
As parents we want to be able to trust our kids. So how do we raise kids we can trust?
First and foremost we model trustworthiness right from the very beginning. Every time your baby cries and you pick her up, you are teaching her she can trust you to attend to her needs. With your toddler, you show her trust by being consistent with your discipline. As soon as you find a need to say, “no, that will hurt you,” you show her she can trust you to keep her safe.
Later, you show your preschooler trustworthiness by keeping your word. You pick her up on time. You read her the story you promised you would read tonight. You make cookies when you say you are going to. If you can't keep your word, apologize sincerely, explain why and genuinely try not to let it happen that often.
For your school age child, you model the truth by telling the truth in front of her. If you want to take a sick day to do something fun with your kids, either communicate that to your boss in private or let your children hear you being up front with your boss about why you are taking time off: Don't let your kid hear you "call in sick" and then take her to the zoo. Remember, actions speak louder than words.
One of the biggest ways to build trust is to protect your family time. The debate over whether quality time is more important than quantity time continues. Ask any child, however, and she will say she wants both: she wants to be involved right along side her parents’ lives, and she wants them to be involved in hers. A parent helps build trust with a child by being there along side her, not taking over but guiding her when needed. Do not confuse time when you are checking your email or texting a colleague as time with your children, even if they are standing right there; that is not something they cannot be a part of. Helping you to fold laundry or prep dinner or water the garden are activities where she can show her competence and responsibility. Those shared activities build trust.
The connectedness gained through shared activities pays off when you have teenagers. If you have been working along side each other, she has learned to trust you and she has shown over and over through her behavior that you can trust her. In high school, she has no reason to lie because she respects you and does not want to lose your respect. She may argue with you about her curfew, but in the end she will accept your word because she can trust your judgment. After all, you have shown that she can trust you from day one.