Do I ever recommend to a client that they see a therapist? Yes! As a parenting coach, I am focused on getting parents the skills they need to run their homes more harmoniously and to have closer, more connected relationships with their kids. Sometimes a person’s mental health keeps a parent from fully focusing on their kids, and it can be hard to make the progress they need to transform their families. That’s a great time to see a therapist.Read More
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Joyful Parenting Coaching is focused on clarity, consistency, connection, being an effective parent, finding balance as a parent, and above all being a confident and joyous parent. Topics include communication, having difficult conversations, having constructive conversations, chores, routines, family meetings, I teach parent education and parenting classes because parenting is a skill—not something we are born knowing. Get the parenting skills you need today!
Filtering by Tag: clarity
When it comes to “spoiling,” this is when I see problems:
- Parents deny their children something only to give in in the face of whiny, petulant, disruptive behavior.
- Parents give their children everything always, so children never learn to handle disappointment.
- Parents give their children everything always, so children develop a warped sense of entitlement and fail to recognize the difference between needs and wants.
Read on to find out the solutions.Read More
Powerful Parenting Comes From Being Grounded in Your Core Values.
With every parent I work with, I start by having parents identify what it is they care most deeply about. What is their world view? Whom do they want their child to become? It is not enough, today, to look to our neighbor for answers on how to parent our child. Instead it is essential to get clear on your own values and beliefs and to prioritize them.Read More
WE CARE SO DEEPLY, IT IS HARD TO SHIFT OUR POSITION
Ideally, spouses will agree with each other. Indeed, were the world ideal, that would be easy. Parenting is so personal, however, that it really is hard for parents to have worked out ahead of time what they want their approach to be. Parenting decisions are arguably the most important you'll ever make! Talk about pressure. It is hard to give up your own point of view.
FIND AREAS IN COMMON AND HAVE EACH OTHER'S BACKS
I find it helps when parents focus more on what they agree on than on what they disagree on. The first key is that the core values are the same. I find it very constructive when parents narrow in on 3-4 absolutes. For example, “In our family we are kind” or “In our family, we take care of our things.” Which values parents focus on is less important than the power of a consistently presented message around agreed upon ideas. If parents have a lot of agreement and emphasis on the biggies for their family, there will be less need to micromanage each other. I coach most parents to give their partner more space to parent the way each wants to.
The second key is that at least there is an agreement in place to support each other. In my blended family, my husband and stepchildren agreed to eat at the table with the t.v. off when I was there. Nights I wasn’t home, they ate in front of the t.v. When my younger stepson asked why they didn’t when I wasn’t home, my husband said, “What matters is that Elisabeth cares, so when she is home, we do it for her.” In this case, my husband didn’t share the value of sitting at the table, but he did have my back. I, for my part, let go of trying to convince him that I was right or even why it was important to me. It was enough that he supported me. By each giving each other some space, we both kept peace and presented a united front.
ACCEPT DIFFERENCES IN THE LITTLE THINGS
As long as the core values are in place, it is okay for parents to have different approaches. If Dad is supervising homework and he says yes to 15 minutes of shooting hoops before getting started, Mom should walk away, even if she has a problem with it. In the same vein, if Mom is happy to have all the toys thrown into one big bin, Dad needs to wait until he is in charge to have kids sort the toys into separate bins. Kids can handle two standards to some extent. That being said, I do find it useful for spouses to have a rule that says kids have to take the first answer they get. Of course, sometimes this will just mean that kids will go to the parent from whom they can get the yes. In my own family growing up, that meant that my father always defaulted back to, “Ask your mother” or “Yes, if Mommy says so," but what is really important is that one parent's yes cannot fall to the other parent. In other words, if mom says yes to a sleepover at Annie's, she cannot now expect dad to drop what he is doing to drive their daughter to the sleepover--or to be the one to pick her up in the morning. Or if dad says yes to watching a movie that will keep kids up after bed time, it is not fair if mom is the one dealing with rude, grumpy children in the morning.
MAKE SURE THE DOWN SIDE OF YOUR PARENTING DECISIONS DON'T FALL TO YOUR PARENTING PARTNER
Similarly, for parents co-parenting from two separate households, I like the rule that dad cannot say yes to something that is on mom's day. If my daughter wanted a play date on my weekend, she had to call and ask me. That made it simpler as for the most part as we didn’t have to agree. On the other hand, we had little control over what the other spouse did—and sometimes that made it really hard for me to hold my tongue. For instance, my daughter's dad said yes to her going rock climbing with friends. That freaked me out, but in the short run a) it was too late for me to do anything about it, and b) it was more important to back up my trust in her father than to make a big scene.
IN MOST CASES, RELATIONSHIP SHOULD TRUMP PARENTING STYLE
The bottom line here is that the relationship between the parents is usually more important than a particular parenting decision. Children can thrive with a wide variety of parenting styles as long as they feel safe and secure. They get that from having their parents on the same page.
KEEPING YOUR KIDS’ TOYS ORGANIZED
Tip 1. Help your kids identify their value behind why a particular toy is important to them. Then help them prioritize their values.
By prioritizing what is important to your kids and having them articulate that to you, it will help you decide how much space to devote to a particular kind of toy. Let’s say, for example, that your child is nuts about dinosaurs. It just makes sense that he’d want a wide variety of dinosaurs represented, doesn’t it? On the other hand, a kid who loves dolls might be convinced that it is more important to lavish love and care on a limited number of dolls—and that the rest could find good homes elsewhere. That child might need more space for doll accessories, like a crib, but can make do with 2 or 3 especially beloved dolls.
Tip 2. Have as much shelve/bin/drawer space for your child as you can spare, so that they can stay organized.
Help kids learn to categorize toys by the shelves or bins. This will allow your child to see visually how much she has of one kind of thing—and in turn help her decide how much she needs of one thing. Often it is not until all of one kind of toy has been gathered into one place, for example, that a child realizes she has as much as she does. Seeing it all together helps her realize one good set of colored pencils and/or crayons, for example, makes boxes and boxes of duplicate colors superfluous and therefore a waste of space.
Tip 3. Be creative about ways to store toys when you have limited space.
It can be really worth it to find storage or display cases for the size toy you have. My sister, for example, was a big collector of porcelain animal figurines. No one was bigger than around 4” by 4” so my dad built her a grid of shallow shelves that was about a foot wide and went all the way to the ceiling. With less than a foot of floor space, she was able to safely display more than 100 figurines. Deep but narrowly spaced shelves for things like boardgames and puzzles allow kids to store long flat things on shelves that resemble big CD holders. This kind of shelving can often be found in teachers’ supply catalogues. Rather than duplicating that kind of storage for each child, have a central location for similarly shaped toys. Soft things—like stuffed animals and costumes, can be hung from a series of hooks suspended from the ceiling (provide a foot stool, so children can reach up). Shelves that slide out on rollers allow you to place toys 2-3 deep, and kids can still be able to find them (especially if you think in categories, like dump trucks one behind the other, etc).
The best way to organize kids’ toys is to limit the number of toys they have to the toys they actually play with and use. Tips 4-8 address how to do that!
Tip 4. As toys and arts and craft projects and science kits and the like come into the house, write a date on them with permanent marker.
Has your child given a birthday party where all 20 of his classmates bring him a gift? She opens them all, but in reality only four or five things actually get used? By putting a date on presents as they come in, you can show a child concretely how long it has been that he has not touched the toy. That can make it easier for a child to let a toy go out the door. If a child is still reluctant to let go of a toy, give a date a month out by which the child needs to use the toy. Tell him that if he doesn’t use the toy in that time that, you will be donating the toy to a local charity. The key to this tip? Do NOT remind him that the month is close to being up and do not rub it in his face that you will be giving the toy away. Simply get rid of the toy, and if your child remembers about the toy AFTER the give-away date, comfort him and assure him that next time you are sure he will not let the give-away date come and go.
Tip 5. Help kids let go of toys by identifying the “best of” in the category.
Let’s say that your child loves doing arts and crafts, and your shelves are filled with the remnants of half used kits. Have your child identify which of the projects provided the most fun and satisfaction and offer to get refills for that project. Let’s say, for example, that your kid really loved the weaving kit she got for her birthday and she did all the projects listed in the manual, but then she ran out of supplies. The tissue paper and pipe cleaner flower kit, on the other hand, engaged her for an hour or so and hasn’t been touched since. Knowing that you are going to buy more weaving supplies, might make it easy for her to say good-bye to the flower making kit (and if not, go back to the Tip #3 plan and put it in place for the flowers).
Tip 6. Put away toys that your child is not ready for or isn’t likely to ever play with.
Go back to the 20 presents from a birthday party. It is very likely that you are a good judge of what your child is actually going to play with. In the chaos of the party, it is easy to “put things away” for safe keeping. If you put a bunch of the toys away, likely the out-of-sight-out-of-mind principle will apply and your child will completely forget they even got that toy. If a couple of months go by, and the child doesn’t ask about it, quietly send that toy away with the next Good Will bag. Along the same lines, if your child gets a toy which looks like it will someday interest your child but is too sophisticated for him or her at the moment, put it away in a closet—and assuming that your child doesn’t ask you for it in the meantime—YOU can gift it to your child when your child is old enough for it. OR you can later make it available for your child to give to one of his friends!
Tip 7. Use natural transitions, like the start of a new school year, to mark a Big Clean Out.
If tips 1-4 have not helped clear out the accumulation of clutter, apply a 10% tithe. Let your kids know that they are going to have to donate 10% of their toys to charity. They might balk at first, but this is another excellent way to get kids to prioritize and decide which, for example, of their books they absolutely must have. It will help them recognize that they still have books on their shelves that they read 2-3 years ago when they were much younger. Similarly, unless you have massive amounts of free space for enormous Lego projects, my guess is most kids will not register a 10% reduction of their Lego blocks (They simply don’t have the space to build something that would actually use all their blocks). If your kids greatly resist the idea of donating some of their toys, I highly recommend checking out the laugh-out-loud-funny Too Many Toys, a delightful picture book by David Shannon.
Tip 8. Help keep toys organized by making some clear guidelines about how many gifts can come into the house.
Share your value with your kids that they not equate stuff with happiness or security. Help them see the value of fewer treasured objects by encouraging more thoughtful gift giving. Let relatives know that less is more—or perhaps ask relatives if they would like to go in on a gift together. Some toys, like a fancy model kit, for example a) can be quite pricey and b) actually requires extra supplies—like glue, additional paint, a big board the project can be done on so that as it is being worked on it can be slid in and out from under a bed. Relatives who think of the big picture could go in on all the pieces together. That way one gift comes into the house instead of 6-7.
You can also enlist help from close family friends and relatives by asking that they provide your child experiences rather than toys that will add to the clutter. Perhaps your daughter's best friend's family will invite her to go to the zoo with them the next time they go. Perhaps your son's uncle will take him to a hockey game. These gifts work on so many levels: They say to your child I am valued, People like having me around. They give your child time with another caring adult, so you are creating that larger safety net. The activity itself is often memorable--especially if it is in the child's honor. Again, these are great opportunities for families to go in together on an outing that might be more expensive: Grandpa can pay for the ticket, Uncle can actually get the child to the game, Aunt-who-lives-far-away can provide a gift certificate for cotton candy or a souvenir.
COOKIES, KIDS! COME GET 'EM WHILE THEY'RE HOT!
Can't you just see the stampede of kids that would follow this call? And wouldn't it feel good to get all those squeals of delights and efuse thank you's when you did make the call? But what about all those other times when what you are singing out does not seem to reach their ears--as if they are surrounded by an invisible force field that protects them from requests they would prefer not to process?
Let's try applying my 3 Steps to Effective Parenting--clarity, connection, and consistency--to see how you can get your kids to listen to you.
In this case, clarity has two aspects. The first is your own clarity about what is important to you. You are going to get much further with your kids if you are clear that you want your directions followed. If you request something from your kids, but you don't really expect them to do it--and it really isn't that high on your priority list--chances are, it just isn't going to happen. You might say with a long suffering sigh, I wish you kids would hang up your backpacks and coats when you came in the door. Your children are going to hear that request exactly as you stated it, as a wish--something they may grant or not grant. That gets us to the second aspect of clarity: how you say something. Short and sweet. When you really mean it, use simple phrases. Meeting the kids at the door with Backpacks! Coats! said in a bright, cheery tone will get through much more effectively. As a general rule of thumb, the younger the child, the fewer words you should use, and the more sing-songy your tone should be.
For the most part, kids really do want to be helpful. They like being part of a warm family unit that is running along smoothly. It is when they feel disconnected from you or are carrying stress and anxiety from some other part of their day, that they freeze up. They get stuck. Instead of going with the flow, they get fixated on something. It is a little like having a bad itch: You are so distracted by the itch, that until you scratch it, you can't focus on anything else. When your kids are in this state, they are not going to listen. To get their attention, you are first going to need to attend to them as people. Perhaps that means a hug right when they walk through the door or getting down to their eye level and making eye contact and telling them warmly I'm so glad to see you! With some kids, a hug is too much, but you can take their hands in yours and squeeze. Having established that connection and reassured them with your words, tone and body language that you are the safe home base, your reminder of Backpacks! Coats! will have them hanging things up before they move into the rest of the house. The reminder called from the other room when they are still carrying the emotional weight of their days, will almost certainly fall on deaf ears.
Kids have pretty good radars for when you really mean something and when you don't really mean it yet. The best example of this is when we announce to our kids it is time to go. Then we go back to our conversation or looking at our iPhone, neither of which communicate anything about going. A long time ago Garrison Keillor did a wonderful sketch called the Minnesota Good-Bye. Sung to a tune by Handel, it started out with something like It really is time for us to be going with a response of Oh no, you can't possibly leave without one more slice of pie. Well, maybe just one you say. And so on. In the song, it takes five minutes of pleasantries to get out the door. Any child worth his self respect will keep right on playing through all this polite leave taking. He knows he is not required until the adults are actually standing at an open door at the very least. So, when you make a request, it is your job to mean it--and to mean it right when the request is made. Certainly, you can give your kids a five minute warning, but when that five minute warning is up, your full attention needs to be on that child, seeing that she follows through on what you have asked. My suggestion is to do your own good-byes during that five minutes: Sweetie, you have five more minutes to do one last thing, while I say good-bye here. When that five minutes is up, you have to keep your promise and actually leave.
1. Only demand of your kids those things you are actually going to follow through on. Expressing a demand as a wish or vague option leaves things wide open for your child to choose. They may well hear you, but they do not register the request as something you are serious about.
2. Use simple, clear language. Even with 7th graders, I still get much further calling out "Line up, please!" firmly then "Okay, class. It is time to line up now, if you please." Some kids--often very brilliant ones--are slow processors. The more words you give them, the more there is to process.
3. Speak with energy and conviction. Your tone doesn't need to be strident, but it does need to mean business.
4. Check in with your kids on an emotional level first. Don't shout orders from another room (Do you like it when they yell at you from another room?). Go to them. Make eye contact. Smile. If they are absorbed in a book or glueing something in place, get in close so they feel your presence, but try to give them a moment to get to a better stopping point. If they continue to ignore you, you could give them a three minute warning (Darling, in 3-minutes I'm turning the machine off, so find a good stopping place before then) or you can put your hand on whatever it is they are doing. Calmly, firmly, gently, you ask for their attention.
5. Most importantly, you follow through by staying focused on them until what you ask for has happened. Let's go back to the kids coming in the door. You have hugs and love, you give the simple command clearly, and then you use your physical body to block their way out of the hall until backpacks and coats are hung up. You can point to the hooks as a gentle reminder.
If you are consistent with your behavior, your kids will listen to you pretty consistently. They won't spend any energy asking themselves does mom really mean it? Do I really have to respond now? They will know that they can rely on you to follow through until they follow through.
Give it a try. If you have your doubts or try it and are still struggling, set up a free 20-minute consult with me HERE. We will figure out what you might tweak to have cheerful, cooperative kids in no time.