Special Time--The Silver Bullet of Parenting

 We no longer live in a world where Father Knows Best and children automatically give their parents respect because of their title. No, now any cooperation our children give us is either because of fear (which works in the short run but is counterproductive and corrosive in the long run) or because of the strength of our relationship with them.

Relationship is key.  But how do you get there?  Who has the time to sit down and help a child process her emotions each and every time?  Too often the pressures of the day mean choosing between an unhappy child and a very hungry child.  Sometimes, you are going to live with one child’s unhappiness so that you can get the rest of your family fed.  That’s life even though your heart yearns to stop and comfort that child, taking as much time as he needs.

Wouldn’t it be good to have a silver bullet, though?  Well, I don’t have a real silver bullet, but I do have a parenting technique that goes a long way to helping our kids keep their equilibrium.  I know it as “Special Time” and I first learned of through Hand-in-Hand Parenting in Palo Alto, CA. 

Special Time formalizes an opportunity to connect to our kid and takes it one step further.  Of course, we all look for chances to have special, warm times with our kids—snuggling at bedtime, a Saturday morning walk to pick up bagels, stopping for ice cream after a game or class—but you probably decide when, if and how those events are going to happen.  What Special Time (capitals intended) provides is a period of time where the child is completely in control of the play or activity.  You can require that Special Time not break any family rules (such as no screen time during the week or no cookies before dinner) and you get to put a time limit to it in advance if you need to but, otherwise, your job is to leave it totally up to the child as to what you and she will do together.

With a young child you may find yourself rolling around on the floor the victim of attack by Pirate John.  Perhaps you will be cast as the bad guy who eventually has to succumb to your child’s heroic subjugation of your iniquity.  Perhaps you will be the poor helpless, frightened victim whom he will protect.  Maybe you will be instructed to build an impossibly high tower and will then find that no tower you build is good enough (no doubt your child will be happy to show you how it is REALLY done).  Over and over again, as your child gets to dictate the script and the activity, you will go along with it (biting your tongue if you feel the need to correct him or offer suggestions). 

 By the end of special time, your child will have grown in stature.  He will have worked out many of the petty hurts and confusions he has experienced throughout the day.  He may have gotten his own back (symbolically) after a friend or sibling took over a game or told him how to do something.  He may have imitated your tone when he ordered you to hurry up and get that tower built!  For one span of time, your child will have had complete control.  He will have given the commands and had all his demands met. 

You might be raising your eyebrows by now, wondering why it is appropriate to hand your child all this control.  I like to think of it as the equivalent of Mother’s Day.  Do you think that because you spend a day catering to your wife’s every need and desire that she will expect that every day? No, right?  In fact, I bet you have experienced that after her emotional cup has been filled up with love and attention and spoiling, your wife is more willing than ever to jump back into the swing of family life.  The same is true for your child.  By having fifteen or thirty minutes when he gets his every need met, your child is more willing to wait his turn, to follow directions, to do what is needed to be done.  It feels good to be part of a family where on the one hand you are needed (to put your shoes away, to set the table, etc) but on the other hand there are times your parents will drop everything for you.  

Note:  how often you schedule Special Time will depend on the size and nature of your family, but I will say this:  If your child is being recalcitrant and whiny, it is because her emotional cup needs filling.  You may think you do not have time for Special Time, but I promise you, when you use it regularly, you will find that the cooperation levels in your house will have gone up so much that in fact you will have more time than you had before. 

Here are the steps to Special Time summarized:

1.     SCHEDULE Special Time in advance, letting the kid know, so that you can both look forward to it. (Note, though, that you can do Special Time on the spur of the moment if a child is acting really out of sorts and disconnected.)

2.     NO DISTRACTIONS.  Turn off your phone, don’t answer the door, don’t have something in the oven.  Make Special Time as sacred as possible.  This includes trying to do Special Time when your other children are fully engaged with something else or being supervised by someone else. Special Time is meant to be one child, one parent. 

3.     SET TIMER.  Special Time can be longer, but it can also be as little as 10 minutes. The timer is important not only for setting your child’s expectation but because it helps you fully enter into the submissive role.  After all, we are the parents!  It can be hard to not correct our child’s treatment of us when we put them in charge.  They may well be bossy and insulting.  You can stand it for 10 minutes!

4.     LET CHILD LEAD.  Often kids will use Special Time for imaginative play.  Where their imagination takes them can be quite hard for us as adults. While you won’t allow a child to hurt you physically, the purpose of Special Time is for your child to get to inhabit different roles.  I’ve had a five year old tell me she is punishing me for being bad by putting spikes through me and cutting me with glass and pouring salt in the wounds.  Don’t worry about that level of violence!  Just get out your most dramatic voice and promise to not be bad ever again if they’ll just spare you the awful punishment.  If a child uses Special Time to get angry or to humiliate you, it is probably because somewhere along the line they felt humiliated by you or someone else.  Again, don’t worry about this too much.  We do our best as parents, but because we are juggling multiple kids, trying to get out the door on time, etc, we may say something as innocent as, “You can’t tie your shoes quickly enough, so today Mommy is going to do it.”  Perfectly reasonable things for us to say, but we might still inadvertently make a child feel humiliated.  The more you can enter into the role your child casts for you during Special Time, the more cathartic it will be for your child.  If this is really hard for you, do more shorter sessions rather than fewer longer ones.  Your child may demand an activity that will take longer than the set amount of time.  Let your child know that there really isn’t time for that activity but do it anyway.  Let’s say your child wants to play outside in the snow, and you know from experience that getting geared up to play in the snow takes at least 5-6 minutes.  Start the clock and start pulling on the warm clothes!  Your willingness to go to all that effort—even if there are only 4 minutes left to actually throw a snowball—will make a lot of difference to your kid. 

5.     EXPECT A MELTDOWN.  When you first start Special Time and the timer goes off, it will likely to be very hard for your child to let go and transition back.  Be empathetic that it is hard that it is over, reassuring that there will be more Special Times in the future, and firm that Special Time is over for today.  You may have to be present with some tears or anger.  DO NOT threaten to take away Special Time in the future, just stay calm.  Let your calming presence aid in calming your child.