Your Parenting Questions Answered
As a parenting coach I love giving talks around the San Francisco/Bay Area. And now that we are all sheltering in place, I have been doing coaching online by giving webinars. Every once in a while, I leave 10 minutes for Q + A at the end of a talk and I realize upon reflection that I should have talked for 10 minutes and left 50 minutes for Q + A. Since a lot of the questions that come up have similar themes and might be showing up in your house, I thought you might like to read some of those questions and answers. For the next couple of weeks, I am going to feature one question and one answer.
Q: My 12 year old son seems to be slipping into a deeper and deeper depression. I think the fact that with vaccinations there is light at the end of the tunnel but still no clear sign of how or when things are going to move forward, my son just can’t handle it any more. He’s apathetic and quarrelsome.
A: Oh, wow. Yes. The end of the pandemic is in sight, but is still far enough away that it isn’t quite in focus. We have asked so much of our kids this year. It is like all the fat on the nerves has worn off and now to cope we have to shut out any extra stimuli. (If you see no change or things are getting worse, call your pediatrician). Here are some things you might try at home: First and foremost, just acknowledge to your kids how you are feeling and let them share—without comment—how they are feeling. Then(without laying it on too thick) verbalize what you do appreciate about all being home together. Additionally, itmight help to focus on the far out future. What if you planned a fabulous vacation for next Christmas or Summer 2022? You might give the kids a budget and let them work out the details. Finally, if you do not already have daily exercise and time outside in the calendar, make that an even bigger priority than school. It’s winter. We are subject to seasonal affective disorder as it is. Sunshine and fresh air may be the top of the list of what we can do to help sustain our kids through the end of remote learning. Good luck!
Q: Tonight my 8 year old threw a tantrum because my 4 year old wouldn’t let her her play with his toy in the bath. She started splashing him in the face. When I intervened, she started splashing me and refused to get out of the tub. How do I deal with this explosive behavior? In the moment of that frustration my only go to is threatening to take her stuff or screen time away.
A: Your frustration is so very understandable. Our children's outbursts hijack our nervous systems so easily. In that situation, you all of a sudden have challenges: protect yourself, protect your son from your daughter, and protect your daughter from herself. That's a lot of balls in the air. So, take a deep breath or two or three. In this case, I would probably pick up your son out of the tub, wrap him in a towel and sit on the floor far enough away to protect both of you from splashing. Then I would observe her behavior and connect it to her emotions: "I see that you are mad, really, really mad. I see that right now you are angry enough to splash anyone who gets close. It must be hard to be that frustrated. I'm sorry you're feeling that way." If she escalates (which she might even though you are staying calm), I would ask your son if it is okay for him to sit on the floor or even go get his pajamas, while you talk to your daughter. Then, if she'll let you, move in closer: If she just starts splashing more, stay away and just wait her out. Probably, she will try to engage you in her battle by splashing even more or calling you names. If water is getting all over the place, I would say, "Sweetie, right now you have a choice: You can stop splashing water or I will come remove the stopper." If she stops splashing but keeps arguing why she is right to have done what she has done, I would stay present while active listening, prompting her with What else? and tell me more. If you can stay calm at this point, eventually you will see a shift in her energy. She might continue to make arguments, but you will get the sense that her gas is running out. At this point, if she let me, I would probably scoop her into a big towel and sit on the floor and hug/rub her dry. When she was fully calm, I would ask her how she wanted to make amends to her brother for taking his toys and cutting his bath short. Finally, I wold look at the wet bathroom and ask, "what needs to happen here before we go to bed?" You may being thinking, but if I don't get mad at her, how will she understand that she can't treat people that way? If I don't give her a consequence, what will keep her from doing it again? Well, you don't need to worry about her not understanding: I promise you she understands. And she is getting consequences (Cleaning up the water in the bathroom and making amends to her brother). So why does this work? Because when we model calm acceptance of the whole child, that teaches their nervous system to calm down. Repeat this enough times, and eventually you will be able teach your daughter other ways to first recognize and then calmly express her strong feel.
Q: I’ve been reading a lot about using empathy as a way of disciplining kids. Isn’t that just going to make the kid misbehave more since they are getting positive attention?
A: Your fear is not uncommon. We are used to disciplining children by being stern and following through with consequences, so I get why you would think that empathy might undermine your authority. Let me give you an analogy and see if that helps: Imagine that you come home from work having had a terrible day, and because you were caught up in your terrible day, you forgot to stop by the dry cleaners like you had promised. You walk through the door spouting off about all that has gone wrong. In fact, you’re sort of having a mini tantrum. Now, how would you like to have your spouse respond? With a stern lecture? With judgement that you should have known better? That having a bad day is no excuse? No, right? I imagine, you would like your spouse to give you a hug and express sympathy at the bad day. Maybe you get a hug. May you drop your head on your spouse’s shoulder and just breathe in their calm. Soon your tension eases, and your nervous symptom settles down. Yes, you still have to solve the problem of the cleaners whether that is getting back in the car and going right now or realizing that you can some other outfit can be worn. Does your spouse’s support make it more likely or less likely that you will take responsibility once you are calm? I promise you, the answer is more likely. When we get attacked—no matter how justifiably—we get defensive, so even if we are in the wrong and we know it, we are more likely to make excuses or be grumbly about the situation in general. Empathy allows us to find our best self and make our best choices. The same is true with our children. (Just to finish the story out, as an adult you experience the natural consequences of having to go back to the cleaner’s or picking out another outfit. There doesn’t have to be a “punishment” on top of that.)