What do you wish your parents had talked to you about?
I hear from a lot of people, “My parents never talked to me about that.” The “that” could be sex, sexuality, rape, relationships, a family history of mental illness, divorce, money, suicide, smoking, drugs, alcohol or addiction, dating history, you name it.
Many adults report wishing their parents had been willing to talk to them about difficult subjects and reflect that maybe if their parents had talked about these issues, life for them might have been easier.
And yet, when I ask, have you talked to your own kids about these issues, I often get the response, “Oh, no, my kids are too young to have that conversation.” Or “I’m afraid that if I talk to my kids about those things, I’ll put ideas in their heads that weren’t there before.”
I totally understand both reactions. It can be hard to know what is the right age to have conversations with kids about things, and we certainly don’t want to say the wrong thing and “traumatize our kids for life.”
So I thought it would be useful to think through some general guidelines.
1. When your kids bring up a question, use that natural opportunity to start talking about that topic. Answer in a few sentences and ask if that answers their question.
If your daughter finds your tampons in the bathroom drawer and asks what they are for, go ahead and explain the basics of menstruation in a few sentences.
If your son asks why you got a divorce, you can respond with something as simple as, “Sometimes married people bring out the best in each other; other times couples realize they bring out the worse in each other.”
If your daughter asks how old you were the first time you had “sex,” you can tell her, adding some comments about in what ways that was or was not a good decision for you. If your first experience was rape or some other trauma, just say yours was not a positive experience and then focus on what kind of experience you hope her “first” will be.
As long as when you ask “Does that answer your question?” when you are done with your explanation, your child will be in control of whether or not he wants or needs more information at this time.
2. If your child wants more detail, check in with what they already know.
Let’s say your child asks you whether you smoked marijuana when you were growing up. You might say, “I did. What do you know about the effects of marijuana on young brains?” If your child persists in wanting to know details about your behavior, assure them you will share that with them someday but right now you want to know what they already know.
3. If your child wants to know something that you are uncomfortable disclosing, get curious about why they are asking now. That can help you know how to form your answer.
Your child asks you how much the rent on your apartment is. Maybe a classmate has had to move because the rent on his apartment was more than his parents could afford. Now your child is worried that your family might have to move. Without disclosing what your rent is, take the opportunity to explain how rent works and how you have designed your budget to make sure that paying the rent is always covered.
4. Being forewarned is forearmed.
I forget the source, but this has always stuck out in my mind: A sexual predator was being interviewed about how he decided which child to engage with. His answer? “Show me a child who has not been taught anything about sex or sexuality, and I’ll show you my next victim.” Wow. That is valuable information for us to know: Talking about sex and sexuality (using anatomically correct language) with our kids can prevent them from being a victim.
It is natural for children to be curious about their bodies. Saying matter-of-factly, “Those folds of skin are your labia. They are designed to keep germs out of your vagina”, makes it as okay for kids to ask questions about penises and vaginas as it is okay to talk about their eyes or ears.
5. Bringing up a topic proactively does not “give a child ideas.”
Some parents fear that if they talk to their child about something like suicide, the child might begin to consider suicide for themselves.
Thank goodness the reverse is true. A while back Jackie Simmons of The Teen Suicide Prevention Society shared with the Middle School Mom Round Table THE conversation you can have that has been found to prevent kids from committing suicide:
Question 1: Have you heard about the rise in suicide rates in children and teens?
Question 2: Have any of your friends talked about suicide or wanting to harm themselves?
Question 3: Have you thought about leaving that way?
Question 4: What are your reasons for staying? What else?
Please, have that conversation with your teen and tweens. And then have it again when
they are a little older.
6. Demystify topics by bringing them up regularly
What we don’t talk about, we won’t worry about. Was that the principle your parents operated on? Did that keep you from worrying about things? I’m guessing not.
I had a client say recently how sad she was because her dad never talked about her mom or her mom’s death. Eventually, she came to learn that her mom died during childbirth so, of course, my client felt she caused her mother’s death which had caused her dad so much pain, he couldn’t even talk about it. My client told me how she had always felt like there wasn’t enough that she could do to make up for this “crime” no matter how hard she tried to be “good.”
What if, instead, her dad had said right from the time she was two or three years old, “Your mom died giving birth to you. Sometimes that happens. Mom knew that could happen and she was so excited about bringing you into the world, she was willing to take that risk for you. Mom would be so proud of the way you are growing.”
What if her dad had said things like, “You have a pretty singing voice. Your mom loved to sing, too.” Or “You have such neat handwriting. I bet Mom would have been envious of your handwriting. Her handwriting looked like chicken scratches.”
Comments like these would have allowed my client to ask questions and feel safe sharing fears like, “I get afraid that you can’t love me anymore because I caused Mommy to die.” Not talking about difficult things does not make children stop thinking about them. Bringing them out into the open makes it okay to be vulnerable.
7. What we don’t talk about becomes taboo.
It is possible, of course, that your parents overshared and talked about topics too grown up for your age—essentially treating you as an adult—but I hear that a lot less than I hear about parents talking, sharing and explaining too little.
Lots of parents tell me that they tell their kids all the time, “You can talk to me about anything!” But the fact of the matter is that what we don’t talk about becomes taboo. That’s why bringing up “taboo” topics in small ways signals to our children that we really are open to talking to them about anything.
One way I did this a lot was to bring up issues in reference to something I had read.
I might say something like, “I read an article today about how our understanding of gender is shifting. Researchers no longer think just in terms if you are a 100% girl or you are a 100% boy.”
Then I’ll ask, “What do you think about that?” If my child shows interest, I’ll continue to talk about the subject, including the ideas that I might be struggling with. If my child shuts down, I might say something like, “That’s a new idea for me. I’m going to have to give it some thought.” In this way, I am not forcing the conversation and the same time am signaling my willingness to think and talk about the issue.
8. If you are uncomfortable and afraid you are going to say the wrong thing, it is okay to ask for time.
If your child asks you something out of the blue that throws you off your game, just ask for time to think about it.
Lots of times kids hear something and they just want to know a simple definition, but even answering that might have you so tongue-tied, you don’t know what to say.
Way, way back a few years out of college I was teaching a class called Skills for Adolescent Living. The class was designed to provide a platform of trust where kids felt they could bring up anything. A student raised his hand and asked, “What is anal sex?” Honestly, I’m pretty sure I had never heard the words “anal sex” said out loud. I absolutely froze. Then I said, “That’s a good question. Let me give it some thought as to how to answer it.”
After school, I ran to my colleagues and asked more experienced teachers how to handle the situation. So, if you find yourself feeling like a deer in the headlights, just ask for some time. Then go to your circle of support and get some ideas of how to approach your child.
9. Admit you are uncomfortable.
It is also okay to admit that you are uncomfortable. If your child asks you about something that was never talked about in your family, the question itself might bring a wave of embarrassment, even if the topic is relatively straightforward.
Just share with your child, “You know, the whole time I was growing up, my family never mentioned that and even thinking about it makes me feel awkward.” Then go ahead and proceed anyway despite your being uncomfortable.
The only way to get comfortable talking about uncomfortable things is by talking!