What a Parenting Coach Can Tell You About Why Disrespect Isn’t Always What You Think—And What It Might Be Telling You

It’s not uncommon for parents to worry that a child’s eye-rolling, backtalk, or defiance is a red flag for something much bigger—like future drug or alcohol use. And of course, we all want to raise respectful kids. But what if disrespectful behavior isn’t a predictor of rebellion… but a sign of something deeper going on? A parent coach can help explore what these behaviors really mean, how to respond with clarity and connection, and how to foster the kind of mutual respect that helps kids thrive, without fear-based parenting.

All Misbehavior Is Communication

I firmly believe no one—no child, no adult—feels good when they are “mis”-behaving.  Acting out or talking back may feel better than feeling powerless or hurt or confused or judged or abandoned (or any other uncomfortable feeling), but it doesn’t essentially feel good.  It may feel powerful, and feeling powerful may feel better than feeling powerless, but power that is hurting others (or hurting yourself) is not the same as feeling grounded and clear and aligned with your true state.  It is still living from a place of defensiveness and fear.

What do these behaviors mean at different ages and stages?

You ask a two-year-old to put on his shoes, and he says no.  When you pull him onto your lap to put his shoes on yourself, he tries to scratch, bite, or spit at you.  If his language skills are more advanced, he says, “I hate you,” or “You’re stupid.”

This might feel super disrespectful to you, but it is actually a glorious statement of I AM ME, I am my own person, I have rights over my own body.

You insist your eight-year-old has a bath, and she bursts into tears, exclaiming, “I didn’t know tonight was bath night. I don’t want to have a bath.”  You are frustrated because you just wanted to have a peaceful bedtime, for once, but after a whole day at the beach, she is dusty and salty and sticky and now she is giving you so much pushback over one simple thing.

An emotional outburst is not disrespectful:  It is a damn bursting where too many feelings have built up.  

You and your child may have had a wonderful day by the sea, but you may not fully realize the toll it may have taken on her.  A day at the beach usually means a change in routine.  It often means a day of go-go-go with no downtime.  It might mean a long drive in the car.  Or being too hot or too cold.  Your child might have faced a new fear like going into the waves and being pulled at by the current or going deeper into the water where her feet didn’t touch the ground. 

All this is very stimulating and maybe overwhelming.

When you ask her to take a bath on a day that isn’t bath day (or when she forgot it is bath day), you are the straw that breaks the camel’s back:  She had an idea in her mind of how the end of the day was going to go, and now you are asking her to be flexible one more time, and it is just too much.

Your twelve-year-old refuses to attend Passover dinner.  They don’t want to get dressed for the event, they don’t want to participate in a religious ceremony, and they don’t want to be “trapped” at the table with relatives who will ask a lot of questions.

I’m not saying don’t require your children to attend family religious events, but I would like you to understand what is going on for a child in this age range.  Early teens’ developmental job is to pull away from their parents in order to individuate—ie, to develop their own voice and form their own opinions.  

In the process of forming their own values and belief systems, it is typical for them to momentarily reject your family’s values.  Teens who say they do not want to go to Passover dinner are asserting their right as emerging individuals to embrace or reject any religious beliefs that they want.  

The wise parent meets their children’s emotional and psychological states while still holding clear limits.

A two-year-old is learning to pull things on and off, close and open things.  Mastering those new skills is one of the primary drives at this age. When you ask your toddler to put on his shoes and he says no, what he might actually be saying is, “I want to put my shoes on myself but I don’t know if I can, so I am going to protect myself by saying no.”

Instead of commanding your child to put on his shoes, say, “In fifteen minutes, we need shoes on for when we go to the park. Do you want to put them on yourself, or do you want Papa to help you?”  This gives your child a chance to transition to the idea of putting on shoes.  He might stop what he is doing and go to put on his shoes right away.  

If the idea of putting on shoes brings up anxiety, his “no” might come as a whine or extra clinginess.  This is a sign to you that he needs some connection and recharging before tackling putting on shoes (It might also be that he is nervous about the idea of a transition).  

We might expect an eight-year-old to be able to manage their feelings. And, yes, they are going to be able to manage their emotional system ever better all the time.  At the same time, an eight-year-old is still young.  Some days or events are going to be too much, and they are going to lose their cool. Kids with challenges like ADHD or Autism are going to lose their cool more often—daily or even multiple times a day.

The best first tool for any situation where your child feels disrespectful is empathy. 

Remember, you kids don’t want to behave badly.  If they are behaving badly, they do not feel okay.

Imagine having a bad day at work, coming in the door and having your spouse call you out for something you needed to do.  What would your first reaction be? Maybe you would think something rude in your head. Maybe you would even say something sharp out loud.  But on top of the day you had, your first reaction would likely be negative—frustrated, resentful, hostile, maybe even angry.  But you are an adult. Hopefully, you wouldn’t lose your cool.

When your child reacts poorly, start with empathy: “I see you are having a hard time.  What do you need right now?”  Be ready to set aside your agenda, even if only for a moment. It may be that empathy and a quick hug from you will allow your child to feel heard and understood.  That compassion will help calm them enough that they can proceed—they can put on their shoes, take the bath and show up at a family seder.  

Another great tool for battling disrespect is curiosity. 

Your twelve-year-old screams at you that you can’t make them go to a stupid Passover dinner.  Your first reaction is shock, anger, frustration, and maybe the thought pops in your head, “I can, too, make you go!”  

While all of these are perfectly natural reactions, what I hope you’ll do is get curious.

I’d say, “I’m hearing you don’t want to go to Passover dinner.  Tell me more about that.”

And then use Active Listening to quiet yourself down.  Be attentive.  Do not move too quickly to compromises or solutions.  Be sure to repeat back what they have said and ask, “Did I get that right?”

Once you have fully listened, offer empathy: “I get that it must feel really hard to be required to attend a religious event when that is something you don’t believe in right now. You’re right that in general, being forced to attend goes against religious freedom.”

Once you have empathized and sought to understand with curiosity, you can still hold a limit. 

With a twelve-year-old, I would then probably follow with, “At the same time, this is a family dinner, and it is really important to Grandma and Grandpa that we all be there. You are right. As you become an adult, you have every right to follow or not follow whatever religious beliefs feel important to you.  At the same time, while you are still learning and growing, as a member of the family, we expect you to show up.  After, I am happy to talk about any thoughts or observations you have about the event.”  This approach is respectful.  It is less about you being the boss and more about leading your children to join in with the family today because being part of a family is a source of goodness.

Don’t assume your child is being disrespectful. 

If you have been treating your child with respect—being willing to talk about things and to see their point of view—and they still respond poorly, that is a sign they need your support.  They might need your physical aid, they might need more time to comply, they might need a compromise like a sponging down rather than a full bath.  As long as you can keep in mind that they aren’t deliberately giving you a hard time just to be jerks, you will have more patience and will be offer them some grace while still seeing that your expectations are met. 

Parenting Coaching can bridge the gap between having a general idea of what to say and having the exact right words and tone in the moment you need them.

Parenting is a skill.  I’ve given you three examples here of how you might handle disrespect at different ages and stages.  Do you need some help applying this concept to your specific situation?  Do you need practice saying the words in a warm and loving tone?  Do you need an accountability partner so that you can implement these strategies consistently?

That’s what a parent coach does, and I would be happy to do that for you.

Curious? Sign up for a Getting to Know You call to tell me about your family situation and to hear from me how I work with parents.