Parenting a teen is a new game! The main goal of parenting a teen is to raise an adult. That means your main parenting task between roughly 12 and 18 is to make the shift from being the captain of the ship to being the wise guide. After all, it is simply not possible to drive down the street for you child and to claim that your child is learning to drive. Before he or she can get a license, your child has to get behind the wheel and drive down the street without you in the car. Keep these three metaphors in mind in helping you be the parent of a teen.
This piece is written by Tyler Jacobson. I like having a dad’s perspective and find his wish for his daughter especially touching because I’m not sure men always articulate in their mind how much they want their daughters to have a voice. Tyler expresses it as, “ I wanted [my daughter] to be confident and comfortable in who she is, in spite of constant outside voices clamoring for her to conform and be someone else.” In this blog Tyler describes his own personal approach with reference to what the experts say about each step.
Parents often worry that their kids aren’t motivated to do anything beyond play video games or post on social media. The truth of the matter is is that there is a lot in kids’ daily lives that works to squash personal motivation. Here are some tips parents can use to rekindle their child’s natural eagerness to interact with the world and to take pride in what they do.
Slow and Steady Wins the Race when it comes to overcoming anxieties and phobias. Too often it is hard for us to slow down and be empathetic with our children and their fears. And sometimes we are so afraid of upsetting them that we do everything we can to avoid the situation that triggers the fear. As with so many things, that answer lies in the middle. Help your child take baby steps towards mastering his fears. That way he will feel supported and seen and heard ; and at the same time you help him develop the skills and persistence he will need so much in life.
Whether your child is 2 or 12, tantrums are just no fun, right? Most of us are not super comfortable with big, out-of-control displays of feelings, so our children’s tantrums set off a negative reaction in us. But tantrums are just a sign that your child is overwhelmed and doesn’t have sufficient skills to manage her feelings in a more constructive way. As parents we can help with skill building, but it still takes time.
Feeling that you are the primary parent is a significant challenge that seems to fall mostly to moms— even today. Part of that is still a vestige of time when women being in the workforce was the exception not the rule. And part of it is that the role of perfect mother has so been put on a pedestal that women feel enormous pressure to be responsible for everything in their family—even when they have full responsibilities at work.
Feeling like or being the primary parent adds tremendous stress to already stressed families, and it is worth it to find more balance in taking responsibility for the running of the family and household. Read on to find out ow I support parents with that.
Every once in a while I publish a guest post—either because the person’s expertise in a given area is much more sophisticated than mine or because they offer a perspective I cannot. In this blog, dad Tyler Jacobson shares how he handled it when his 13 year old daughter broke some big family rules. I especially love the understanding he shows his daughter as well as the problem solving, all while keeping her accountable for her poor choices.
We all know the reasons our tempers are short—we’re tired, stressed out and too often pushed to the wall. And then our kids—who should know better—argue, talk back, give us black looks or just ignore us altogether. No wonder we want to shake them silly.
This week I listened to a podcast that got me thinking. The speaker's argument was that when we choose the hard way directly, life is easier in the long run.
Are you a compassionate friend? Do you urge your friends to put their mistakes into perspective and to not be so hard on themselves? How about when it comes to yourself? What makes it hard for you to practice self-compasion?
In Part I of Should You Make Your Kid Apologize, I looked at what it means as adults when we apologize. I took the time for that discussion to help parents realize the implications of when and why we apologize. Yes, I do think it is important that we teach children to apologize, but we have to go beyond a hollow apology by supporting our kids’ emotional growth.
That’s a tricky question! There is no doubt that our children need to understand the idea of an apology but given that there are different kinds of apologies for different situations, teaching our children to offer an apology is not a straight forward task. It certainly won’t be taught with a simple rule. Or with a single iteration. Let’s consider the nature of apologies and where our own practice lines up with our expectations of our children.
Are you concerned that you are a helicopter or lawn mower parent? Do you know that you are one but don’t know what to do differently? One of my favorite techniques for giving our kids some space and encouraging some independent thinking is What’s your plan for that? Instead of mapping out how our child should tackle a homework assignment or chore or even a conflict with a friend, we give the problem to them for consideration. Of course, if they are floundering too much, we step in and help with some course correction (but resist the urge to take over!)
Last week I wrote about how anxiety is affecting parenting by sharing the shift that I have seen in my 30 years of working with families. This week I want to outline what I think are some key buffers against parental and (by extension) kid anxiety. In light of the shootings this past week, it feels like I should be addressing the topic of how do you reassure children they are safe, but I still go back to my observation that the younger the child, the more the fears are the old ones that have always been there—being separated from one’s parent, fear of the dark and later fear of being made fun of. Addressing children’s fears is an important topic, but today I am going to stay focused on keeping your own parental anxieties at bay.
Once the shine of the new school year wears off, it is time to settle into the routine of school. Here are steps for helping your child figure out how to handle the homework the teacher’s give her. Aid her in problem solving but recognize that if you tell your child how and when to do her homework, chances are it won’t work. At this stage, it is more important to help her develop her own tools for managing her work.
Have you ever written off a child in your neighborhood or at your child's school as a bully? It is easy as parents for us to get defensive and judgmental. Bullying sets parents off and strikes a very sensitive chord, but lots of what we fear is bullying is normal interactions among kids—they just need the skills and the example to use it.
Happy to be included among the experts sharing their tips in this article on healthy eating. One other tip, not shared here, that a nutritionist gave me was Only feed your kids at the table. That's one I wish I had learned when my daughter was a toddler. That means no mindless snacking while in the car or on the couch. I know my own health would be better if I followed that rule (and I would probably add to that, no mindless eating while scrolling through Facebook or checking your email). Read HERE for some more great tips on getting your kids in the habit of healthy eating.
Among the reasons that electronics and screen time is problematic is that kids are on their devices when they would otherwise be doing something physical. Fortunately, parents can use fun physical activities as a draw to get kids away from too much screen time. Check out some of these ideas from some other experts and me on how to do that in this blog by Hania Syed of mydeal.com.au. Personally, I find it easier to provide attractive alternatives than to have a lot of rules about when and how long their kids can be on their cell phones or iPads. Of course you may still need to have firm limits, but it is much easier to get kids excited about some kind of project--especially when you are right there doing it with them--than arguing whether they can play just one more game or write one more post. Click HERE to read on.
